^^^^^^SHpr 



ICE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS 



^ 

z/ 



WHAT HAPPENED 
®f TO BRAGGS 

BY 
B- L. C. GRIFFITH 











THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
PHILADELPHIA 



SHOEMAKER'S 

BEST SELECTIONS 

For Redwdings and Recitdwtions 

Nos. I to 27 Now Issued 

Paper Binding, each number, - • • 30 cents 
Cloth *• ** " - - • 50 cents 

Teachers, Readers, Students, and all persons who 
have had occasion to use books of this kind, concede 
this to be the best series of speakers published. The 
different numbers are compiled by leading elocution- 
ists of the country, who have exceptional facilities for 
securing selections, and whose judgment as to their 
merits is invaluable. No trouble or expense is spared 
to obtain the very best readings and recitations, and 
much material is used by special arrangement with 
other publishers, thus securing the best selections 
from siich American authors as Longfellow, Holmes, 
Whittier, Lowell, Emerson, Alice and Phcebe Gary, 
Mrs. Stowe, and many others. The foremost Eng- 
lish authors are also represented, as well as the 
leading French and German writers. 

This series was formerly called "The Elocution- 
ist's Annual," the first seventeen numbers being pub- 
lished under that title. 

While the primary purpose of these books is to 
supply the wants of the public reader and elocution- 
ist, nowhere else can be found such an attractive col- 
lection of interesting short stories for home reading. 

Sold by all booksellers and newsdealers, or mailed 
upon receipt of price. 

The Pent! Publishing Company 

923 Arch Street, Philadelphia 



What Happened to 



Braggs 



A Farce Comedy in Three Acts 



BY 



B. L. C. GRIFFITH 

Author of "BETWEEN THE ACTS.' 
"THE RECKONING," etc. 




PHILADELPHIA 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1911 



^<s\-3 






Copyright 1911 by The Penn Publishing Company 



CC1.D 25634 

'Tit . I ■ 



what Happened to Braggs 



CHARACTERS 



Tom Scott Of the '^ Independent'* 

Arthur St. John .... His chiun while at college 
William Blight . . . Editor and proprietor of the 

'♦ Independent'' 
Hon. Alexander Braggs . . . Candidate for judge 

Aaron Cutter A costumer 

Dan Martha Murphfs man servant 

Martha Murphy To7n' s aunt 

Lilian Blight Blight's daughter 

Kitty Braggs Bra^^s' daughter 

Mrs. Susanna Bird . . A widow, and Miss Murphy s 

intimate friend 

. Time of Playing : — Two hours and a half. 



STORY OF THE PLAY 

Colonel Braggs, a candidate for county judge, visits the 
home of his old friend, Martha Murphy, who is in love 
with him. Her nephew, Tom Scott, persuades Arthur 
St. John, a friend, to impersonate the Colonel at a 
military ball where he does some things that make the 
basis of a spicy newspaper article by Tom in the '* In- 
dependent," of which Blight is editor. The actions of 
the supposed Colonel at the ball also bring the real 
Colonel two challenges to duels. 

Arthur St. John falls in love with Kitty, the Colonel's daugh- 
ter, is sorry that he has stirred up the trouble, and dis- 
guises himself again as the Colonel to fight the duels 
for him. After some shots are exchanged, Miss Martha 



STOEY OF THE PLAY 



rushes in, embraces the supposed Colonel, pulls off his 
whiskers, and the secret is out. Those who have made 
tlie trouble are forgiven, and everything ends happily. 

Act I. — The sitting-room at Miss Murpliy's. Martha is 
delighted at the Colonel's proposed visit. Tom isn't. 
Arthur St. John's bulldog trees colored Dan. *' I 
apologomize, sah ! " The Colonel quarrels with Tom, 
and with Arthur's dog. '' This is no zoological gar- 
den." Tom persuades Arthur to impersonate the 
Colonel at the ball. ''Go as far as you like." Kitty 
catches Arthur without his wig, and he puts a scrap- 
basket over his head. Arthur tries on the Colonel's 
clothes. "You're the Colonel himself." Tom and 
Blight. ** We can turn the laugh on the Colonel." 

Act II. — Scene same as Act I. Seven a. m. Tom is 
awaiting Arthur's return from the ball. Loud crash 
heard. ''Ah, you cucumber beds." The Colonel's 
trousers, that Arthur wears, are cut by the glass. Mrs. 
Bird has met the Colonel at the ball. " 1 knew you'd 
remember your Birdie!" "Never saw her in my 
life!" Lilian and Tom. "The Colonel kissed me. 
You must fight him." Braggs reads the account of the 
ball in the paper. "It's a base libel." Braggs con- 
fronted by three ladies at once. "You old villain ! " 
"Monster!" "You have broken my heart." Mrs. 
Bird and Bhght. "And you'll die for me?" "I'm 
afraid so." Braggs and Bhght. " You wish to fight 
me?" "Oh, no, I'm very forgiving." Cutter's 
famous bullet-proof vests. "Meet me in the garden 
at five ! " Braggs attacks Blight. " I'll kill you right 
here!" Kitty screams. "Will no one stop them?" 
Arthur to the rescue. " Yes, I will." 

Act IIL The garden. Kitty and Arthur. "I depend on 
you to help me learn the truth about this ball." Mrs. 
Bird and Blight. " Wear a bold front." "I'm going 
to — if it gets here in time." Arthur disguises as the 
Colonel, finds the bullet-proof vest, intended for 
Braggs. "This comes in handy." The Colonel finds 
Dan willing. A message to Martha. Tom and Lilian. 
" 1 hope your father will blow the Colonel's head off." 
"He will; papa's an awful blower." The duellists. 
Braggs wants the bullet-proof vest. "He'll shoot me 
like a dog." Braggs goes to look for the vest, and 



C0STU3IES 



Arthur disguised, takes his place. Cutter gives the 
word, ''it's a beautiful way to die, really. One- 
two— fire ! " Arthur wounded slightly in hand. Martha 
rushes in. "Oh, Colonel, has he killed you?" She 
pulls off Arthur's disguise. The fat is in the fire, but 
Cutter makes peace. 



COSTUMES 



Tom About twenty-five. Act I, business suit, and may 
wear same suit throughout, except at beginning Act II, 
when he should wear a lounging jacket and slippers. 
His "making-up" of Arthur should be carefully re- 
hearsed. 
Arthur. About twenty-seven. Well dressed, in morning 
suit, at entrance Act I; carries small traveling bag, 
wears cap, and leads dog by chain. He should be 
smaller than Braggs. He must be made up to show 
partly bald head, although he wears small second wig 
(toupee) over bald spot. During Act I he is made up 
on stage to resemble Braggs, with bald head and side 
whiskers. He assumes this make-up again in Act III. 
During Act I he puts on Braggs' clothes, which are too 
large for him. He enters disguised as Colonel at be- 
ginning of Act II. The same costume is assumed 
again in latter part of Act III. 
Blight. About fifty. Business suit, or frock coat, with hat 

and gloves. Same throughout. 
Braggs. About fifty-five. Must be larger than Arthur. 
At entrance Act I wears dark sack suit, and light over- 
coat, with hat and gloves. Acts II and III same suit, 
or may wear frock coat and light trousers. A second 
pair of trousers, similar to those Braggs wears in Act I, 
is to be worn by Arthur while he is disguised as Braggs. 
He is choleric and pompous. _ , 

Cutter. About forty. Dresses very loudly, with red Ue, 
large diamond pin, striped socks, etc. He talks in a 
theatrical way. Same costume throughout. 
Dan. About forty, or may be older if desired. Make-up 
and costume of negro servant, neat dark clothes. Wears 
apron in Act 11. 

5 



PROPERTIES 

Martha. About fifty. A plump person, with gray hair 

and a nervous manner. Well dressed, always in gray, 

white, or black. 
Lilian. About twenty-two. Stylishly dressed in street 

costume, with clianges in Acis II and 111 if desired. 

In Act ill carries parasol and light shawl. 
Kitty. About eighteen. Stylishly dressed. At entrance 

Act I wears hat and light coat or automobile wrap, and 

carries umbrella, etc., as though coming from train. 
Mrs. Bird. About forty. Handsomely dressed, but rather 

overdressed, in street costume, with pronounced colors. 

She is coquettish and excitable. 



PROPERTIES 



Act I. — Photo and make-up materials for Tom. Cap, dog, 
traveling bag, wig (toupee), shawl, sofa-pillow, waste- 
paper basket, photograph, cigar-case, letters, for Arthur. 
Spade for Braggs. Letters, two small tables, two large 
bolsters, potted plant, traveling bags, coat and trousers, 
for Dan. Letter, book, album, photograph, for Martha. 
Gloves for Mrs. Bird. 

Act II. — Book for Tom. Piece of glass and wig for 
Arthur. Two newspapers, handkerchief, for Dan. 
Newspaper for Blight. Card for Cutter. Writing ma- 
terials for Braggs. Handkerchief for Martha. Big 
stick for Kitty. Sofa-cushion for Mrs. Bird. 

Act III. — Money for Arthur. Wig for Dan. Shawl and 
parasol for Lilian. Paper for Kitty. Card and pencil 
for Braggs. Knife, package containing two "bullet- 
proof vests," box containing two revolvers, for Cutter. 
The bullet-proof vests are simply wide padded bands of 
cloth that go around the waist like life-preservers, with 
loops to go over shoulders, and strings to tie them on 
behind. The one for Braggs is obviously bigger than 
the one for Blight. On each *♦ vest " is a white square 
that looks like a label. 



SCENE PLOTS 

Acts I and II 



/AITERIOR BACKING 




Scene. — Miss Martha Murphy's sitting-room. Door up C, 
with interior backing, leads to front door. Doors up 
L. and down l., lead to house. Door r. (covered with 
curtain), leads to garden. Mantel and mirror between 
doors L. Clock and photographs on mantel. Table 
L. c, with chairs each side. Sofa down R. Other 
furnishings as desired. 

Act III 



LANO<SCAP£. OROP 



trooo 



iy/AOiS 




WOOD 



Scene. — Foot of Miss Murphy's garden. Wood or land- 
scape drop. Wood wings. Bench R. 

7 



What Happened to Braggs 



ACT I 

SCENE.— 7%^ sitting-room at Miss Murphy's. Table l. c. 
Sofa down R, Mantel zvith clocks L. {See Scene Plot.) 
Doors C. , interior backing. Curtained door r. , leads 
into garden. Door up l., into hall. Door down L., 
into library. Curtain rises upon empty stage. Loud 
talking heard off l. 

{Enter Lilian Blight, down l., putting on hat. Tom 
'^iOyiT follows.^ 

Lilian. Very well, then, I'll leave. 

Tom. Oh, please don't. 

Lilian. Since it makes so little diiference to you whether 

1 stay. 
Tom. But it does make a difference. 
Lilian. Oh, it does? Then I'll go. I would not have 

come — only your aunt asked me to lunch. 
Tom. Didn't you want to see me? 

Lilian. Well — I — you've been so horrid 

Tom. But I didn't do anything. 
Lilian. That's just it — you didn't. 
Tom. Oh, ho ! Well, it isn't too late. 

{Attempts to embrace her.) 

Lilian. Yes, it is. 

Tom. But you know Aunt Martha has been around all the 
time. 

Lilian. It's easy enough to make excuses. You didn't 
want to — to — to — you know. 

Tom. Ah, now, Lilian, don't be cross. You know I love 
you. {Leads her toward sofa down r.) Come, let's 
sit down here and have a nice, long talk. (Lilian 
hesitates.) Please do. Do you know, you haven't 

9 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGG 8 



smiled since lunch time. If you only knew how pretty 

you look when you smile (Lilian smiles.^ That's 

right. {They sit.) 

Lilian. But you were horrid, weren't you? 

Tom. I am always horrid. A regular brute. But show 
that you forgive me, won't you ? {Puis his finger under 
her chin and raises her face to kiss her.) The idea of 
your making such a fuss just because 1 didn't kiss you. 

{Stoops to kiss her— she springs up, insulted.) 

Lilian. Oh, if you didn't want to, I'm sure I didn't. 

Tom. But I did. 

Lilian. You needn't think it makes the slightest difference 
to me. 

Tom. I don't. I know that simply because you are the 

most generous, the sweetest, the loveliest (Lilian 

smiles.) That's a dear. Now (Lilia-n /j/ts her 

head to be kissed. Enter Dan, c. , with letters. TuM 
sees Dan and draws back. Lilian does not see Dan. 
Tom, embarrassed.) Oh, is that you, Dan? Were 
you — were you looking for 

Dan {interrupting). No, sah, I was'n* lookin*. 

Tom. I mean for me. Were you seeking me? 

Dan. No, sah. Miss Murphy. {^Indicates the letters he 
carries. Chuckles.) 1 was'n' lookin', sah. 

{Exit Dan down L. As Dan exits Lilian puts on her hat 
very decidedly.) 

Tom. You're not going ? 

Lilian. Of course I am. Do you think I am going to stay 
to be laughed at ? You ought to be ashamed of your- 
self, Tom Scott — making me appear so ridiculous. 

Tom. It wasn't my fault. 

Lilian. Yes, it was. Everything's your fault. If you 
really loved me, you wouldn't want to keep our engage- 
ment secret. 

Tom. But you know I am only waiting until I can do some- 
thing to please your father. 

Lilian. Then why don't you do something? 

Tom. I'm trying hard enough. If I wasn't in his employ, 
it might be different. Bat what can a reporter do to 
please an editor ? 

lO 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



Lilian. Well, all I have to say is, if you don't do some- 
thing soon 

Tom {ititerrupting— pleadingly). You wouldn't break it, 
would you ? 

{Enter Martha Murphy down L. She carries an open 
letter.') 

Martha. Oh, Tom ! Lilian ! Colonel Higgins— Cousin 
Alexander writes that he is coming. 

Tom. Why, of course— since the Smiths' reception this 
evening is given for him. 

Martha. 1 mean he is going to spend the night with us. 
Isn't that good of him ? 

Tom. Good? He gets his board and lodging free. It is 
surprisingly thoughtful of him, though, to spend one 
night only. 

Martha. Oh, Tom ! Why don't you like him? 

Lilian. I think it is perfectly lovely. 

Martha. Isn't it ? And his daughter is coming, too. 

Lilian {with a change of ma?mer). Oh ! ^ 

Martha. Won't that be nice for you, Lilian? 

Lilian (without enthusiasm). Awfully nice. 

Martha. You know, the Colonel is my third cousin— and 
I have not seen him for over a year. 

Tom. I thought he was going to stay at the Butlers'. 

Martha. Yes, he accepted their invitation when the com- 
mittee notified him that the reception was to be given 
in his honor ; but he has heard that the Butlers keep 
two dogs and a parrot, and so he has written asking if 
he may come here. {To Lilian.) Cousin Alexander 
is so sensitive to noise, and he detests animals. 

Tom. Yes, that is one of his many peculiarities. Ever 
since he has been seeking the nomination for senator, 
the "Independent" has been full of stories illustrating 
his eccentricities. 

Martha. No one seems to know him. 

Tom. They know him too well— even though it is by repu- 
tation only. He needn't expect to get many votes in 
this neighborhood. 

{Enter Dan, down l.) 

Dan (l.). 'Scuse me, ma'am, but does you 'spect any 
bundles by de train ? I hear it comin'. 
II 



WffAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



Martha (quickly). Not the Pittsburg train ? 

Dan. Yas'm. 

Martha {flurried). Why, the Colonel and his daughter 
are coining on that train. And there will be no one to 
meet them. 1 shall hurry and put on my bonnet — but 
I must see that their rooms are made ready. Oh, Tom, 
won't you go? 

Tom (r. c, hesitating). Well, I 

Martha (c, with embarrassment). It might not seem 

exactly proper for me to meet him — he might think 

Ah, do go ! 

Tom. Oh, all right, aunt, to please you. 

{Exit Dan, up l.) 

Martha. That's a dear boy. Lilian will go, too, I am 

sure. 
Lilian (r. c). Oh, no — I — I must go home. 
I'OM {to Lilian). Please come. 
Martha. It will be so much better for you to be there, 

too, since the Colonel's daughter is coming. 
Lilian {half aside — significantly). Yes, that's true. 
Martha. That's a dear girl ! Now make haste. 
TuM. All right, aunt. 

(Lilian atid Tom go c.) 

Martha. It would seem so inhospitable if no one should 

be there when they arrive. 
Tom. We'll be in time. 

{Exeunt Tom and Lilian, c.) 

Martha {bustling about, calls). Mary ! I am so afraid 
things won't be in readiness. {Calls.) Mary I Oh, 
how ashamed I would be ! {Calls.) Dan ! If I did 
not welcome him as he deserves, he would think 1 had 
forgotten his affection for me. {Kisses letter.) 

{Enter Dan, up l.) 

Dan. You call me, ma'am ? 
Martha. Yes — where'sMary? 

Dan. Fixin' de rooms, ma'am. I told her de Colonel's 
comin'. 

12 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGG8 

Martha. That was right. But there are no tables in the 
spare rooms. Bring the little ones from the storeroom. 
Make haste ! 

Dan. Yas, ma'am. {^Hurries c.) 

Martha. And Dan 

Dan {stopping). Yas, ma'am. ^ 

Martha. Take the pillows down to be aired. 

Dan. Yas, ma'am. {Starts for door c.) 

Martha. And Dan 

Dan {stopping). Yas, ma'am. 

Martha. Get some potted plants from the garden. 

Dan. Yas, ma'am. 

{Exit, c.) 

Martha {reflectively). He has always been so fond of 
flowers. 

{Enter Mrs. Susanna Bird, c.) 

Mrs. B. Good-morning. 

Martha {startled). Oh, good -morning 

Mrs. B. The door was open, so 1 walked right m. 1 hope 

you don't mind. ^, 

Martha {conti7iuing to arrange the room nervously). Uh, 

no, not at all. , _ ^ 

Mrs. B. {after slight pause). You seem very busy, my 

MarthT.' Yes— I— I want to arrange the room a little. 

Mrs B You are such a model housekeeper, aren t you f 
'it's so nice to be always occupied. Do you know, 1 
have often wondered why you never married. 

{Upi^. c.) 

Martha. Oh, I— I have never even thought of such a 

Mrs.^R^* Really? How strange ! But then, of course, 
opportunities mean everything. By the way, 1 ve 
been told your nephew is engaged to Lilian Blight. 

Martha. Oh, no. They are good friends, that s all. 

Mrs. B. Of course. What gossips people are ! Tom and 
Lilian seem to be together all the time, though 1 hey 

nearly ran over me just now {Enter Dan, c. 

He carries a table before him and does not see Mrs. a. 
Bumps into her, up l. c.) Oh ! 
13 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



Dan. 'Scuse me, ma'am. 'Scuse me. 
(^Exitj down l.) 

Mrs. B. {coniinuifig). They were hurrying as if after a 
train. 

Martha. Yes, I sent them to meet one. 

Mrs. B. Intieed ! Are you expecting company ? 

Martha (wiih embarrassment). My cousin, Colonel 
Higgins. 

Mrs. B. Really ? Why, how nice that will be for you ! 
I mean to have a man around. {Sits l. c.) But I 
should think you would find it such an undertaking to 
entertain him. Of course, if you were accustomed to 
men's society it would be different — let me help you, 
my dear. 

{Enter Dan, l., and exit , c.) 

Martha {hesitati?igly). Well — I 

Mrs. B. Oh, it will be no trouble at all. But I thought 

he was going to the Butlers'. 
Martha {not wishi?ig to explain). He had intended to 

do so, but — but he wrote me that — I can scarcely ex- 
plain 

Mrs. B. I understand perfectly. He is your cousin 

Martha. Yes. 

Mrs. B. And you felt that the honor of having him as a 

guest would be great 

Martha. Of course, but 

Mrs. B. So you wrote entreating him to come here 

Martha. Oh, no, no. 

Mrs. B. Ah, my dear, you are very sly. No one would 

imagine it. (Enter William Blight, r.) Why, 

good-morning, Mr. Blight. 
Martha. Good-morning, Mr. Blight. 
Blight. Good-morning ; good-morning. 
Mrs. B. What an unexpected meeting. 
Blight. Yes, I — I didn't know that I would find you 

here 

Mrs. B. Or you would not have come. 

Blight {placing hat zipon the sofa down r.). Exactly. 

{Quickly.) No, no. {Crosses l. c.) Vour being 

here would make no difference at all. 

14 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGG8 



Mrs. B. Oh, really ! 

Blight. I just walked in through the garden, you know — • 

for two reasons — first, because 1 knew Lilian was here 

— and second because — well ■ 

Mrs. B. The gate happened to be unlocked. 
Blight. Exactly. 

{^Enter Dan, c. Carries second table. Does not see 
Blight and bumps into him.) 

Dan. Pardon, sah. Sorry, sah, 'deed I is. 

{Exity L.) 

Martha. Lilian left only a few minutes ago. She and 

Tom went to the station together. 
Mrs. B. To meet Colonel Braggs. He is to stay here. 

Won't that be delightful for Miss Murphy? 
Blight. Here ? I thought the Buders expected him. 

Martha. Yes, but 

Mrs. B. {interrupting). Oh, IMiss Murphy explained it 

all to me. And she has asked me to help her entertain 

him — wasn't that sweet of her ? Colonel Braggs must 

be such an interesting man. 
Blight (l. c, jealously). I don't know why he should 

be. Just because he wishes to run for senator is no 

reason 

(^Enter Dan, j/p l. Carries tivo large bolsters. Bumps 
into Blight.) 

Dan. Land o' goodness ! Hope you'll forgive me, sah. 

{Exit, R.) 

Mrs. B. (c). Now I must go. 
Blight. Eh ? 

Mrs. B. It's such a pity you didn't come earlier 

Blight. I would have if I had known that you 



Mrs. B. {interrupting). Then you would have found 

Lilian. 
Blight (c). Oh — well, it makes no particular difference. 

I — 1 think I must go, too. Perhaps — perhaps we are 

going in the same direction. 
Mrs. B. (sweetly). It's very likely. Which way do you 

take? 

15 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGGS 

Blight. Well, I— I — are you going to the library? 

Mrs. B. Oh, no. 

Blight. Neitlier am I. 

Mrs. B. 1 must go to the post-office. 

Blight. So must 1. 

Mrs. B. How very strange 1 Do you mind carrying my 

parasol? (7"^ Martha.) Good-bye, my love. Shall 

I get your letters, too ? 
Martha (r., quickly). Oh, please don't— take the trouble. 
Mrs. B. Nonsense ! I can leave them on my way home. 

(^To Blight.) Can you put my gloves in your pocket? 

{Gives him gloves.') 

Martha. But Dan has just brought the letters. 

Mrs. B. {disappointed). Oh— very well. {Quickly.) But 
some may come by the Pittsburg train. I'll sLop in and 
let you know, my love. Then I can meet the Colonel 
before the reception this evening. It will be so much 
pleasanter for him to know some one. 

(^Exily c. Blight takes up his hat from the sofa R., and 
goes up c.) 

{Enter Dan, r. He carries a large potted plant in his 
arms. Bufups into Blight.) 

Dan. Oh, I beg youah pahdon, sah ! 

{Exit Blight, c, hurriedly. Exit Dan, up L.) 

Martha. I was so afraid they would stay until he arrived. 
1 want to be sure that everything is quiet and homelike. 

Let me see {Looks about. Takes up book from 

table and puts it down again.) "Essays on Political 
Economy." The cushion in the armchair. The even- 
ing papers. Oh! His photograph. {Opens album 
upon table, takes out a photograph and stands it upon the 
table.) There ! Now I shall see if the rooms are in 
order and put on my silk dress. {Bell rings.) The 
door-bell ! (Efiier Dan, up l.) Dan ! That must 
be the Colonel. {Bell rings again.) Make haste. 

{Exit do7vn L.) 
i6 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGG8 



Dan. De Colonel seems in a mighty hurry. 

(^Exit, c. A slight pause?) 

(^Enter Dan, c, hurriedly , as though frightened. Enter 
Arthur St. John, c. Carries sntall bag and leads a 
bulldog by a chain.) 

Arthur {to the dog). Come along, Grip, come on. What's 
the matter, old boy? {Sees Dan behifid the sofa ^.) 
Oh, you take him for that steward you didn't like on 
the steamer, eh ? {Shoivs to the audience that he is en- 
Joying himself at Dan's expense.) Oh, no, not the 
same gent at all. {^To Dan.) He thinks you are the 
cabin steward on board ship. You happen to be of his 
— his persuasion, you know. One day the steward 
thought he would like to have a little game witli Grip, 
but when he let go the steward's legs — well, they looked 
like thirty cents' worth of Hamburg steak. 

Dan {behind the sofa, r.). You don't say, sah ! 

Arthur (/'// pretended anger). But 1 do say. How dare 
you say that I don't say ! (^Takes a step forward.) 

Dan. But 1 don't say so, Colonel. You do say; I'm sure 
you do. I apolomogize, Colonel. 

Arthur. Very well — Captain. 

Dan. Miss Murphy am 'spectin' you. 

Arthur. Who ? 

Dan. Miss Murphy, sah. 

Arthur. Miss Murphy — that sounds interesting. Where's 
Mr. Scott? 

Dan. Mr. Tom, sah? Didn't you meet him? 

Arthur. No, where? 

Dan. At de station. He went to meet you. 

Arthur. Nonsense ! ( Takes a step toward hiniy and 
Dan in fear of the dog crosses l.) VVeiit to meet 
nothing. 

Dan. Yes, sah ! Jes* as you say, sah ! But 

Arthur. Say — who do you think I am ? 

Dan. Ain't you Colonel Braggs, sah ? 

Arthur. Never heard of him. So Miss Murphy is ex- 
pecting the Colonel, eh? What's she look like? 

{Arranges his cravat.) 

Dan. Dere's her picture, sah. 

17 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGGS 



(^Points to photograph on mantel. Arthur goes to look at 
picture, Dan still showing fear crosses R.) 

Arthur (Jookifig at picture). This one? I pass. {Sees 
picture of ToM.) Why, Tom, old man ! Dear old 
chum ! You haven't changed a bit ! 

Dan. I hear Mr. Tom comin' now, sah. 

Arthur. That's good. 

Dan. Guess he's wid de Colonel. 

Arthur. That's better. 

Dan. An' Miss Blight an' de Colonel's daughter. 

Arthur. That's best of all. {Crosses r. Dan goes 
around the sofa and then up c.) How I will surprise 
him ! By Jove ! I'll hide. {Designates the garden 
R.) I'll step out here. Don't tell him. 

Dan. No, sah. 

Arthur. If you do. Grip may invite you to a little 
game. {Steps toward Dan.) 

(Exit Dan, c, hurriedly. Exit Arthur, r., with dog.') 
{Enter Lilian and Kitty Braggs, c.) 

Kitty. That would be perfectly lovely. But I didn't bring 

any ball dress. 
Lilian. I'll lend you one of mine. 
Kitty. Will you, really? But I'm sure daddy won't let 

me go. 
Lilian. Why ? Our military balls are awfully fashionable. 

All the nice people go. 
Kitty. Will there be lots of men ? 
Lilian. There always are. 
Kitty. Oh ! I just must go. No — daddy will say I'm 

too young, I know he will. I'm always too young. 

He didn't even want to let me come with him to the 

reception. Tell me, is Mr. Scott going to the ball? 
Lilian {hesitating). Yes — I guess so. 
Kitty. I think he's awfully nice, don't you? Do you 

know, I think he would flirt just awfully if he had the 

chance. 
Lilian {provoked). Well, you better not give him one, 

( With change of manner.) 1 — I mean it wouldn't pay. 

He knows nothing about such things. He is very dig- 
nified and — and proper, 

i8 



WRAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



Kitty. Oh, isn't that a pity? He is so good-looking. 
Lilian. Bat you'll meet lots of others far better looking 
and much nicer. 

(^Enter Martha, doivn l.) 

Martha. Why, Kitty, my dear. {Kisses her.) 
Lilian (aside). 1 know 1 am going to hate her. Design- 
ing thing ! 
Martha {io Kitty). Where is your father? 
Kitty. Oh, he's coming. We hurried ahead. He'll be 

here in a minute, I guess. I'm horribly dirty. 
Martha. Then suppose we go to your room at once. (GoesL.) 
Lilian (aside). She had better not try it with Tom. 

(Exeunt Martha, Kitty and Lilian, down l.) 

(Enter Colonel Braggs ««^Tom, c.) 

Tom. What you say may be true, sir, but it won't bring 
votes, 

Braggs. You know nothing about it, young man. When 
you are a little older, perhaps, you will understand 
politics better. And as for that man, Black, he is an 
imbecile 

Tom. Mr. Black is a personal friend of mine. 

Braggs. That doesn't make him any less of a fool. 

Tom (angrily). You will learn who the fool is at the pri- 
maries. 

Braggs. Do you mean to insult me, sir ? 

(Enter Martha, down L.) 

Martha. Oh, lam so pleased to see you, Cousin Alex- 
ander. 

Braggs (indifferently). Well, Martha. 

Martha. It has been so long since we met. 

Braggs. Six months, perhaps. 

Martha. Oh, cousin ! Over a year. 

Braggs. Eli? No doubt, no doubt. (More pleasantly.) 
1 hope you will pardon my seeming forget fulness, but 
the fact is I am irritated — I may say justly irritated. 

Martha. I am so sorry. What has happened ? 

Braggs. I came here, seeking rest and quiet, and imme- 
diately upon my arrival I am led into an argument 
with — with — no matter But I was insulted. 

19 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



Martha. Oh, how terrible ! 

Tom. You should be careful of your statements, sir. 

Martha. Why, Tom ! When the Colonel states that he 
is irritated 

Tom. Oil, there was not the slightest doubt of that. 

Braggs. I was as pleasant as possible under the circum- 
stances. 

Tom. As pleasant as you could be, I dare say. 

Martha. Tom ! Remember the Colonel is our guest. 

Tom. That's no reason for him to 

Martha. Tom ! 

Tom {after slight pause). Oh, well, I don't want to be 
disagreeable. 

Martha. There, Cousin Alexander — I was sure Tom did 
not mean anything he said. 

Tom. But I did. 

Martha. But you are sorry, aren't you? 

Tom {hes Haling). Well — 1 think 

Martha. 1 knew you were. Please forgive him, Cousin 
Alexander. 

Braggs. I shall try, Martha. 

Tom {disgusted; half aside). Try! 

{Exit, up L.) 

Martha. You are always so generous. Tom is a dear 

boy, but he is so impulsive. 
Braggs. No doubt, no doubt. 

Martha. He is like a son to me. {Sits right of table.) 
Braggs. Perhaps. What he needs is a father. 
Martha. Oh ! {Both embarrassed. A pause.) 
Braggs. Very warm for this time of year. {Crosses L.) 
Martha. Yes — we need rain. 
Braggs. Yes — it's very dusty. 
Martha. Yes — and — and so warm. 
Braggs. But it is so restful here. Think of the noise at 

the Butler house that I have escaped ! {Sits left of 

table.) I am not naturally sensitive, but dogs and 

parrots drive me to distraction. 
Martha. We do not keep even a cat. 

{A pause. Martha secretly places Braggs' photograph on 

the table so that he will see it.) 

20 



WRAT HAPPENED TO BBAGGS 



Braggs (clearing his throat; with determinatioti). Martha ! 
(Sees the photograph, and is pleased.) Ah ! You keep 
tliis in a very prominent place. 

Martha. I always have it — on the table. 

Braggs. 1 hope you give the original as prominent a place 
in your thoughts. 

Martha (bashfully). I have always known that you were 
my friend. 

Braggs. Friend ! Much more than a friend, Martha. 
You remember the confession 1 made to you ten years 
ago? 

Martha (coyly). How could I forget it ? 

Braggs. Of course, how could you ? If you had not re- 
fused me 

Martha (interrupting). I was forced to do so, cousin. 
Had you been strictly temperate, you know that 

Braggs (interrupting). Now, Martha, that's impossible in 
politics. One nmst be sociable — especially when votes 
depend upon it. But 1 have left all excess in the past. 
(Impressively.) Believe me, it was all for you. (Rises.) 

Martha (softly). Oh, cousin ! And have you really re- 
formed for my sake? 

"^RkOGS (taking her hand). For your sake, Martha. (Enter 
Dan, c., carrying satchels and bags. Dog barks off r. 
Braggs lets go Martha's hand.) What was that ? 

Martha (rising). It sounded very much like 

Braggs. You said you did not keep even a cat. 

Martha. I'm sure that wasn't a cat, 

Dan. No, sah — dat ain't no cat. Dat's one of de worstest 
brutes (^^,? barks again. Dan springs for- 
ward, stumbles and /alls, with great noise. Hastily 
gathers up the things. Frightened.) It's comin'. 
You-all had better run. It'll tear you to pieces, sure. 
It certainly am de worstest brute 

(Exit, up L.) 

Martha. Why, what is the matter with him ? 
Braggs. That was a dog. 
Martha. Yes, I heard it, but 



Braggs (excitedly). It's in the house. 
Martha. Oh, no, it can't be. 

Braggs. But it is. You heard what he said. It's coming 
here. Quick! Where shall I go? I abhor dogs. 

21 



WRAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



(J^eproachfuUy,') And you said you did not even 
keep a cat. 

(^Exity R., hurriedly.^ 

Martha. But Cousin Alexander ! Listen to me 1 

(^Exitf R.) 

(^Enter Lilian and Tom, down l.) 

Tom. Say, that Kitty's a jolly sort of a girl, isn't she? 

Lilian. She's a forward, impertinent thing. 

Tom. Oh, come, that's rather severe. 

Lilian {jealoicsiy). Just because she smiled at you once 

or twice you think her an angel. 
Tom. Oh, no, my dear; you mustn't imagine I judge all 

others by your standard. 
Lilian. I suppose you mean that because I am not so 

coquettish as to smile at you. Oh, you are perfectly 

horrid ! 
Tom. Now, Lilian, what's the use of trying to misunder- 
stand me? 
Lilian. I'm not. 
Tom. You know what I mean. 
Lilian. 1 don't. 

Tom. You remember what I told you an hour ago. 
Lilian (r.). And you remember what I told you. If you 

don't care enough about me to find some way to — to 

make it possible to speak to papa 

(^Enter Kitty, down L.) 

Kitty. Oh, here you are. 

{Great noise in garden, R. — barking, sJwuiing and scream- 
ing.) 

{Enter Martha, r.) 

Martha. Help ! Cousin Alexander is being killed ! 
Help ! Oh, Tom ! Quick ! 

{Enter Braggs, r. His trousers are dirty. Carries a 
spade which he has used in defense. Enter Arthur, r., 
holding dog.) 

Braggs. That horrible beast jumped right up on me. 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGGS 



Arthur (/// c). I'm sorry, governor, but you shouldn't 

take a hand in a game you don't know how to play. 
Tom (l.). Why, Arthur St. John ! 
Arthur. Hello, Tom, old man ! 
To]M. What are you doing here ? 
Arthur. Well, I seem to be chiefly engaged in making 

myself disliked. I'm sorry, I am sure. You see, if he 

hadn't drawn that spade — it was his own fault, you 

know — spades weren't trumps. 
Braggs (waving spade). Take it away. 
Arthur. Don't you like pets ? 
Tom. Aunt Martha, this is Arthur. You have often heard 

me speak of Arthur. 
Arthur {going fonvard, extending the hand with which 

he is holding chain attached to the dog). Delighted ! 
Martha {retreating l. ; afraid). Oh ! 
Tom. And Arthur, this is Colonel Braggs — the great 

Colonel Braggs. 
Arthur (r.). Oh, this is the great Colonel Braggs? 

Charmed. {Goes forward.) 
Braggs. Don't let that brute come near me, sir. 
Arthur. Oh, Colonel ! Love me, love my dog. I fear 

you judge by appearances. I assure you Grip's bark 

is very much worse than his bite. 
Braggs. Then don't let him bark. 
Tom {designating Kitty). And this is the Colonel's 

daughter. 

(Kitty, l., nods her head and turns her back.) 

Arthur {shivering ; half aside, to Tom). Very cold for 

this time of year, isn't it? 
Tom {designating Lilian). And this is Miss Blight. 

(Arthur hesitates and nods as though uncertain as to his 
reception.) 

Lilian {heartily ; r.). I'm very glad to meet you. {Shakes 
Arthur's hand. Looks at dog.) What a cunning 
little dear ! I do so love dogs. 

Arthur {pleased). Do you really? I wish I were a dog. 

{They talk together up r.) 
Braggs {to Martha, aside, down c). You may not be to 

23 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BEAGG8 



blame, Martha; but the effect upon my feelings and 
my — my clotlung is the same. I shall go at once. 

Martha {down c). Oh, please don't. 1 would die of 
mortification. 

Braggs. But there is not room for me and a — a menagerie 
in the same building. 

Martha. Of course not. But that man will leave pres- 
ently and take his animal with him. 

Arthur (Jo Lilian). Isn't he a beaut? I bought him 
from an Italian sailor. Watch him walk. 

{Walks backward and bujjips into Braggs.) 

Braggs {believing it to be the dog). Help ! Pull him off ! 
He'll kill me ! Help ! 

{Exit Braggs, doivn l., hurriedly. Exit Kitty, down l.) 

Martha {beckoning to Tom ; i?i a low voice). Tom ! 

Tom ! You must get rid of that young man at once. 

Tom {down l. c). But aunt 

Martha. Yes, at once. This is no zoological garden. 

Tom. I can't send him away. 

Martha. You must make some excuse. I will leave you 

alone together. 
Arthur {to Lilian). He confused me with the dog. I 

consider that a great compliment. 
Martha {goifig l.). Lilian ! I want to speak with you 

a minute. 

(Lilian goes l. and Martha speaks to her in pantoviiine.) 

Arthur (c., to Tom, c). Well, Tom, old chum, how have 
you been all this time? It certainly is a treat to see 
you. {Shakes hands with hivi again.) 

Martha {to Tom a?id Arthur). 1 am sure you must have 
a great deal to say to each other — we will leave you 
alone together. 

Arthur. That's very good of you. {Exeunt Martha 
and Lilian, doivn l. Tom looks after them, angrily.) 
Come, old fellow; tell me you are glad to see me. 

Tom {juith forced fuanner). Why, of course I am, Arthur. 

Arthur. I've been away for two years, you know. Brazil 
and Mexico, chiefly. Fact is, I just landed from the 
Brazil boat yesterday. I looked up some of the old 

24 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGGS 



crowd right away, and they said you lived out here, 
so I thought 1 would run out and stay a day or two. 

Tom. Eh? Oh— yes — that's — that's very nice. 

Arthur. Of course, if you have anything particular on 
hand 

Tom. Oh, no, nothing at all — except a reception to-night 
for Colonel Braggs. 

Arthur. Cheerful old party. Not fond of pets, is he? 

Tom. No — that's just the trouble. Aunt Martha v;anted 
me to tell you — he's an old fool, you know 

Arthur. Oh, any one can see that — but your aunt was 
thoughtful in wishing me to know. 

Tom. No, no — she thinks him perfect. But his nerves or 
something are weak, and he detests dogs. He is go- 
ing to spend the night here, and — and — you under- 
stand. 

Arthur. You mean 

(Points to the dog and himself, and then to the door.) 

Tom. I'm awfully sorry. 

Arthur. Oh, don't let a little thing like that worry you. 

Tom. I wouldn't have had it happen for the world. 

Arthur. It isn't your fault. I can go to a hotel, of 
course. 

Tom. Oh, I hate to have you go there. I have it ! It's 
only your dog that makes you so objectionable — why 
not leave him at the livery stable and stay here your- 
self? 

Arthur. I fear I would be in the way. 

Tom. Not at all — you will stay a few days at any rate, 
won't you ? 

Arthur. Thanks, but (^Hesitates.) Well, until 

to-morrow. 

Tom. That's right. 

Arthur. I'll take Grip down-town now. 

Tom. But we have scarcely shaken hands. Put him in 
the garden a while. 

Arthur. All right — for a few minutes. 

(^Exit, R., zvith dog.) 

Tom. Dear old Arthur ! I wonder if I had better tell him 
about Lilian. His advice was always worth having. 
2=; 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGGS 



(^Enter Arthur, r.) 

Arthur. Tliere ! Now out with it. You never could do 
without worshipping some one — who is the angel you're 
in love with at present ? 

Tom. In love ? I ? Nonsense ! 

Arthur {quickly). You are surely not married ? 

Tom. Of course not. 

Arthur. That's a good thing for your wife, old man. 
{They sit upon sofa, r.) But if you are not married, 
you are thinking of it. Who is the lady ? 

Tom {hesitating'). I can't tell you. 

Arthur. Oh, then there is a lady. I thought so. 

Tom. Well— I 

Arthur. Don't be bashful. 

Tom. You see it isn't announced. 

Arthur. Oh, ho ! 

Tom {disconsolately'). And perhaps it never will be. 

Arthur. How so ? 

Tom. Well, we have been engaged for almost a year — 
secretly, you know — and she thinks I ought to speak 
to her father. 

Arthur. Well, why don't you ? 

Tom. I would have long ago, but he has always boasted 
he would never allow his daughter to be engaged un- 
less the man was in a position to support her. 

Arthur. And she thinks you ought to be ? 

TOxM. Yes. 

Arthur. So do I. You should have had enough practice 
by this time to be able to support her. 

{Puts his arms around Tom a7id hugs him. ) 

Tom. I am in earnest, Arthur. She talks as though I 
could find a fortune in the street. What can I do ? 

Arthur. Go into the street and look. You always had a 
lot of great schemes — they were never very practicable, 
though. What do you do with your time ? 

Tom. I am on a newspaper — the " Independent." 

Arthur. Not much chance in that. Ever try politics? 

'i'OM. No. 

Arthur. Your friend, the Colonel, might help you. 

Tom. He is no friend of mine. 

Arthur. You could use him as one, at any rate. 

26 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGG8 



Tom. Bat I favor his opponent, Black. 

Arthur. Does your paper favor Black, too? 

Tom. Oh, 3'es. 

Arthur. Why, then, it's easy. You can do tlie very best 
kind of electioneering. Look into the Colonel's [>ast 
life. Dig out all the old tales and lies and color them 
higiily. 

Tom. By Jove 1 I'll do it. But the primaries come off in 
a week. 

Arthur. Then something decisive must be done at once. 
You say there is to be a reception for him to-night? 

Tom. Yes. 

Arthur. And I suppose the papers will be full of it to- 
morrow. You must have something to offset what may 
be said in his favor. 

Tom. But what ? 

Arthur. Ah, that is for you to find. 

{^Enter Dan, dow?i l. Carries Braggs' coat and trousers.^ 

Dan {to Tom). 'Sense me, sah, but Miss Murphy says 
will you kindly take dese here t'ings to de tailor's. 

Tom. But 1 haven't time now 

Dan. Dey am de Colonel's, sah, an' dey am mighty dirty. 

Tom. I am very busy. 

Dan. Yas, sah — but dey certainly do need attention, sah. 
Miss Murphy says dat 

Tom. Oh, all right, all right — don't bother. 

Dan. No, sah. {Puts them on chair and goes up c.) 

Tom. Dan ! 

Dan. Yes, sah 1 

Tom. Did Mr. Cutter, the costumer, call for that wig and 
other things he lent me for the theatricals? 

Dan. No, sah I 

Tom. Dear me, I promised to return them yesterday. 
{Exit Dan, c.) You always had a great head, old 
fellow. You haven't changed a bit. (J^ises.) 

Arthur. Think not? 

Tom. Not a bit. The same old dare-devil. You talk the 
same, act the same, and look^I don't know though — 
now I think of it — you don't look altogether natural. 
What is it? 

Arthur. Nothing, I guess. 

27 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGGS 



Tom. You never did wear a moustache, so it isn't that. 

Nose, hair, moutli {Picks up album quickly and 

opaiing, examines a photograph.) Wliy, of course, 
it's the hair. I should have renciembered. How did 
you do it? 

Arthur. Do what ? 

Tom. Why, in our senior year your hair was so thin the 
fellows called you Garibaldi— and now — whose restorer 
do you use ? {Slarts toward him to exaviine.') 

Arthur. 1 never used any. 

Tom. Ah, come, don't be selfish. My hair is getting thin 
on top, and if you know what's good — let me look 

Arthur. What's the use? 

Tom. VVhy, it's as thick as a hay field. Don't be so fool- 
ish. {2'hey struggle and Tom pulls toupee from Ar- 
thur's head.) By Jove ! I'm sorry, old man. 1 
didn't mean to scalp you like this. 

Arthur. Well, I'd like to know what nerve food you use. 
{Rises.) Now you see the kind of hair restorer I've 
had, 1 hope you're satisfied. 

Tom. Great Scott ! 

.A.KTHUR. What is it ? 

Tom. The Colonel ! (Arthur looks around ; Tom runs 
to table and snatches up photo ^Braggs.) You look 
enough like him to be his son. 

Arthur. Ah, hold on — that's not very flattering. 

Tom. But it's true. Look at yourself in the glass. If 
your hair were gray 

Arthur. My hair ? 

Tom. I mean on the sides of your head — and a few heavy 
wrinkles here and there, you would be his perfect 
image. 

Arthur {looki?ig in mirror). The deuce ! I never 
dreainpt I was as ugly as that. 

Tom. Why, you could pass for him anywhere. Arthur ! 
Let's try it. 

Arthur. Nonsense. 

Tom. Yes, yes. Just for sport. I can make you up 
beautifully. 

Arthur. But what's the use? What would I do? 

Tom. Why, impersonate the Colonel, of course. Some 
place where he's not likely to be. At one of the town 
stores, or the post-office — l have it — the Military Ball. 
28 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



Arthur. When ? 

loM. To-night. 

Arthur. Ah, no, that's too big a contract. 

Tom. Not for you. Why, this is the very chance I've 
been looking for. Think of it ! The Colonel goes to 
Smiths' reception and gels back here at midnight when 
every one is asleep. He'll be the last to leave, you 
know, since the affair is given for him. Well, just as 
soon as he returns, you siart for the ball. There you 
dance, flirt, go the pace. Go as far as you like, but 
get home before breakfast. I'll be up to let you in. 
And the next morning in the paper will be half a 
column about the Colonel at the reception and a 
column and a half about the Colonel at the ball. 

Arthur. A column and a half without a word of truth 
in it ! 

Tom. The more reasons for it being belie\^ed. I shall 
simply report how Colonel Braggs behaved — or rather 
misbehaved. 1 am not supposed to know that the real 
Colonel Braggs was not at the ball at all. 

Arthur. It sounds very easy. But it can't be done. 

Tom. Why? 

Arthur. 1 could never act the part. 

Tom. You don't have to act. 

Arthur. Well, you want me to play the fool 

Tom! Yes — ^just be natural. 

Arthur. Eh ? 

Tom. I don't mean that. But you see, I'll make you up 
so that tlie Colonel himself would think he was looking 
in a mirror. All you'll have to do is to enjoy yourself. 

Arthur. What ! Looking like the Colonel? 

Tom. Won't you help me? 

Arthur. Well, if 1 do 

'J om. I knew you would — 



Arthur. You may be sorry. 
Tom. 1 couldn't be that. 

Arthur. I'll push the thing for all there's in it. 
Tom. That's right. Oh, what sport ! You wait a min- 
ute. 

{Exit, L.) 

Arthur. Well, of all the dangerous sprees ! It promises 

29 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



well, though. {Looks at photo.) - Am I really as ugly 
as ihat ? 

(^Enter Kitty, l. Arthur snatches shawl from table afid 
puts it over head.) 

Kitty {seeing him). Oh 1 (^ With dignity.) I — I merely 
came to — lo 

Arthur. Oh, no apologies necessary. 

Kitty. Wliy, daddy's clothes haven't gone to the tailor's 
yet. 

Arthur. No. {Hides toupee at right end of sofa under 
pillow.) You see Tom was so greatly occupied 

Kitty. You ought to be ashamed of yourself — you and 
your beast. 

Arthur. Oh, come now, you shouldn't call Grip a beast. 

Kitty. Yes, I should. 

Arthur. And it wasn't my fault that your father proved 
attractive, 

Kitty. Yes, it was. 

Arthur. Oh — no 

Kitty. I say it was — it was. 

Arthur. Oh, well, just as you say. I am anxious to be 
agreeable. And really 1 am very sorry for what hap- 
pened. Particularly sorry, now that 1 know the 
Colonel is your father. {Pause.) Won't you forgive 
me, and try to like me? 

Kitty. Well, how can anybody like a man who looks that 
way? 

Arthur. What way ? 

Kitty {laughing). You look so silly ! 

Arthur. Eh ? {Remembers shawl over head.) Oh ! 
By Jove 1 

Kitty {laughing). So luny. 

Arthur. Well, you see — I — there is such a draught here— 
and my constitution is so sensitive. I have felt chilly 
ever since you treated me so icily when we were intro- 
duced. 

Kitty. Really ? 

Arthur. Really. (Kitty laus^hs and turns up r. c. 
Arthur snatches off shazvl aiid quickly takes cap from 
table ; puts it on as Kitty turns.) 1 feel warmer now. 

Kitty. Take your cap off, sir. {Comes down r. c.) 

Arthur. I'm very sorry, but 

30 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BEAGGS 



Kitty. How dare you wear it in the presence of a lady ? 

Arthur. 1 daren't — I never do 

Kitty [insulted^. Do you mean ? 
Arthur. Really, if you only knew' 



Kitty. I know that you are no gentleman 

Arthur. Don't say that 

Kitty {by sofa, dow7i r.). I mean it. {Stamps foot.') 
Take off your cap at once. 

Arthur {approaching R.). I would if I could, but 

Kitty. You can — you must. Do you hear ? At once. 
Very well, then. I shall wait until you do. {Sits 
viiddle of sofa.) And don't dare say a word to me. 

{Takes pilloiv from right eiid of sofa and puts it behind her ^ 
exposing toupee. Arthur sits down quickly ofi toupee. 
Kitty moves left end of sofa. Arthur cautiously moves 
toupee from under him and drops it over end of s<fa 
toward audience, into waste-paper basket. Leans far 
over, takes off cap and tries to put on toupee. Kitty, 
shoiving impatience, rises with exclamation. Arihur, 
rising, lifts basket quickly over head, scraps of paper 
falling around him ; holds out hands toward Kitty.) 

Arthur. I'm really awfully sorry, but if you only under- 
stood (Kitty screams.) 

Kitty. I hate you 1 

{Exit up L.) 

Arthur {not knowing she has gone). Oh, please, please 
forgive me. It isn't my fault. {Goes L., 7vith hands 
outstretched. Enter Lilian, down L. Arthur puts 
arms about her. Lilian utters loiv scream and exits c. 
Enter Tom, l., carrying tnake- up materials.) 1 must 
look like a blamed fool. 

Tom. You certainly do. Are you rehearsing for a part as 
the man in the iron mask? 

Arthur {lifting basket cautiously). Has she gone? 

Tom. Who ? 

Arthur. The Colonel's daughter. She almost caught me 
bald-headed. 

Tom. So that's why you hid your head like an ostrich. 
I'm glad she did not see you. Now come, let me show 
you my skill as an artist. 

31 



WHAT ITAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



Arthur. But if I'm not to impersonate the Colonel until 
midnight 

Tom. But, my boy, we must have a full-dress rehearsal. 
Come, sit down {drawing chair to table) and look 
pleasant. {Stands photo on table before hifn.^ We'll 
stand the model there. Let me see. Two heavy lines 
on each side of the nose over the mouth. {Draivs 
lines on Arthur's face?) That's it. {Looks ai 
photo.') A few lines around the eyes. Nothing char- 
acteristic about them. They belong to fifty-five. 
There ! you look twelve years older already. Now for 
the gray hairs. {Powders hair on sides of head, standi 
ing off and vieiuijig work.) Wonderful case of hair 
whitening instantaneously. Yuu look simply great. 
You're the Colonel himself! 

Arthur {looking in mirror). The deuce ! But how about 
my clothes ? 

Tom. That's so. And the Colonel's so stout, too. 
{Struck with an idea.) Why, of course. {Turns 
and takes Bkaggs' coat and trousers from chair.) 
Was there ever such luck ? Put on these. 

Arthur. Now ? 

Tom. Yes, just to see how they fit. 

{Goes to door^ down L. and looks out, taking off coat and 

vest.) 

Arthur. How they don't fit, you mean. 

{Is about to take off trousers, slipping suspenders from 
shoulders.) 

Tom. Hold on ! That won't be necessary. His are twice 
too big, anyhow. Slip them on over yours. 

Arthur. Oh, all right. {Puts on trousers, designating 
looseness around ivaist.) There seems to be a tre- 
mendous aching void here. Think of a man with an 
appetite large enough to fill that. 

Tom {snatching a pillow from sofa). Here, this will make 
one good meal at least. {Puts pillow into trousers.) 
Now put on your vest. 

Arthur {putting on vest, shoiving that trousers and vest 
do not meet). There don't seem to be a very cordial 
relationship between them. 

32 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGG8 



Tom. No. That meal was too hearty. (^Ptills out pillow.^ 
I'll fix you O. K. to-night even if 1 have to sieal one 
of the Colonel's vests. Now for the coat. {Looks l.) 
Great Scott ! Some one's coming. Get back of the 
curtains. 

(Arthur grabs the two coats and rufining hides behind 
door curtains r.) 

{Enter Martha, l.) 

Maktha. I'm so glad, Tom, that your friend has gone. 
Cousin Alexander was so incensed. 

Tom. That was all his own fault. 

Maktha. His fault? You know how afraid he is of ani- 
mals, and when that awful dog destroyed his peace of 
mind and ruined his clothes, it is little wonder that he 
was angry. Did Dan give you his clothes? 

Tom. Oh, yes 

Martha. And when will the tailor have them ready? 

Tom. Well — they will be returned to-morrow, I think. 
{Exit Martha, l. "You follows her l., and looks 
after her. T"*? Arthur.) All clear. (Arthur ^^;;/<f.f 
from behind curtain ivcaring Braggs' coat and carry- 
ing his own.') The Colonel's coat is not much of a fit, 
is it? 

Arthur. No ; but the Colonel would have a good fit if he 
saw me in it. 

Tom. We must have the tailor fix those things up before 
to-night. (Arthur lets cigar case and letters fall 
from his coat pocket, puts coat on chair and picks things 
up.) Well, the rehearsal is over. Better return to 

your normal condition. Some one will be coming 

{Enter Mrs. B., c. Arthur, embarrassed, sticks 
ci^ar case, etc., in Braggs' pockets.) Great Punk ! 

Mrs. B. {coyly). I just called on my way from the post- 
office to leave Miss Murphy's letters. But there weren't 
any. 

Tom {embarrassed). Yes — of course — so kind. 

{Pause ; all embarrassed. Arthur takes step backzvardf 
treads on trousers.) 

Mrs. B. {aside to Tom). Introduce me to the Colonel. 
Tom. Eh ? Oh ! You — you mean you wish to meet 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGQS 



{Poifiis to Arthur.) 

Mrs. B. Of course. 

Tom. Colonel Bi aggs • 

(Arthur looks toward door expecting to see Br aggs enter. 
Blight appears c.) 

Arthur. Colonel Braggs {Sees that Tom means him . ) 

Tom. I take great pleasure in presenting you to Mrs. 

Bird. 
Mrs B. Delighted ! {Holds out hand.) 
Arthur. Enchanted ! 

{Steps quickly forward and trips over trousers.) 

Mrs. B. I have so often heard your praises sung. 
Arthur. That you even remember the tune is too great 
an honor. 

(Mrs. B. seems greatly flattered. Arthur stoops and 
kisses her hand, offers his arm a?td they walk r. , look- 
ing lovingly at each other. Arthur holds up leg of 
trousers with left hand to keep from treading on it. 
Blight up c, watches them angrily.) 

Tom. Mr. Blight, what would you give to be able to turn 

the laugh on him ? 
Blight {eagerly). What, in the "Independent"? 
Tom. Sure. Mr. Blight, I think we can put it all over 

him. 
Blight {delighted). If you can do that, I'll make you my 

assistant editor. 
Tom. You will ! 
Blight. I will. 

Tom. It's as good as done ! The Colonel goes down, and 
go up ! {They shake hands.) 



curtain 



34 



ACT II 

SCENE.— ^^;;/^ as Act I. Thi sitting-room at Miss 
Murphy's. 

(^Curtaiti rises. Tom discovered seated right of table l. c, 
asleep, an open book in his hand, a lamp burbling low 
upon the table. Clock strikes seven. Tom slowly 
awakens.) 

Tom (ya7e^ning'). What time is it? (Slowly arises, yawns, 
stretches and looks at the clocks-utters an exclamation.) 
What ! Seven o'clock ! Impossible. {Looks at his 
watch hurriedly.) Yes. By Jove, if it isn't morning ! 
I must have been asleep for several hours. And 
Arthur? Surely he has returned. (Hastens to door 
R., and tries it.) No, it's locked. What in the deuce 
has detained him ? He was to be home from the ball 
by four o'clock at the latest — and it is almost breakfast 
time. They'll be coming down-stairs in a ^t^ minutes, 
and if Arthur is discovered disguised as Colonel Braggs, 
there'll be no end of a row. (Looks out door r.) Per- 
haps he couldn't get over the garden wall. It isn't so 
difficult. (Goes to table l. c.) Dear me, I never told 
him to look out for those glass cucumber beds. They 

are regular traps. But if he looks before he leaps 

(Stoops and bloivs out the lafnp. There is a crash as 
of breaking glass off R.) By Jingo ! (Hastens to 
door u.) He didn't look. (Opens door. Enter 
Arthuk, r., laughin^^. He is disguised as Braggs — 
7e>earing side-ivhiskers, a wig, Braggs' clothes, etc.) 
Are you hurt ? 

Arthur. I haven't had time to examine. 

Tom. What in the thunder kept you so long ? 

Arthur. Well, I took a lady home who lives a long way 
out — a widow, I believe — lost my way, and 

Tom (interrupting). All right. Tell me another time. 
Hurry and take off that disguise. Some one will be 
coming in a minute. 

35 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BEAGGS 



{^Helps Arthur off with his coat and vest and side-whiskers 

and wig.') 

Arthur. I never had so much sport in all my life. Ouch ! 

{Puts his hand to his mouth.) 

Tom. What's the matter ? 

Arthur. A piece of glass. Oh, you cucumber beds ! 

Tom {carrying coat, vest, etc., to table L. c). Judging 

from the crash, you must have collected enough glass 

to make you transparent. 
Arthur (r. ). I slipped, you know. 
Tom. 1 didn't suppose you jumped into the cucumber bed 

intentionally. 

(/f about to place Arthur's disguise upon the table l. c. 
Enter Dan, down l., hurriedly. Tom quickly hides 
the disguise under the table, the cloth of which comes to 
the floor. Arthur catches a shawl from the back of 
the sofa and wraps it around his legs and sits on the 
sofa doivn r.) 

Dan. Oh, sah ! 'Scuse me, but — but am he injured ? 

Tom {feigning not to understand). Injured? Who? 
What are you talking about? 

Dan. I seen him from de window — Colonel Braggs, sah. 
He precipitated into de glass beds and den 

Tom {interrupting). Sh ! Some one might hear you. 
Colonel Braggs was out very late last night — but proba- 
bly he would prefer it kept secret. Mr. St. John and I 
heard the crash also and hurried down. 

Arthur. Yes, I didn't have time to clothe myself decently. 

Dan (c, grinning). Ain't you got no raiment on your 
legs, sah? 

Arthur. None to speak of. 

(Dan laughs and turns up c.) 

Tom. Dan, you had better say nothing about this adven- 
ture of the Colonel's. 

Dan. Oh, I'll keep it perfectly obscure, sah. But de way 
he precipitated into dat glass bed 

{Bursts into laughter.) 

{Exit Dan, down l.) 

36 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



Arthur. Yes, it's awfully funny — till you've tried it. 
That was the only unenjoyable feature of a very enjoya- 
ble evening. 

Tom. Did you do everything as I directed ? 

Arthur. Everything (//t//^ «j/^/^), and a great deal more. 

[Folds the shawl and puts it on the sofa.) 

Tom. I wrote a column and a half for the " Independent." 
Wait until you see this morning's paper. 

Arthur. Rather hard on the Colonel, don't you think? 

Tom {sitting on sofa r.). No, a man has no right to enter 
politics if he doesn't expect to run the gauntlet of pub- 
lic opinion. 

Arthur. But there won't be a word of truth in your 
article. 

Tom. Oh, yes, there will. I have simply reported how 
Colonel Braggs behaved himself at the Military Ball, 
and I am not supposed to know that the real Colonel 
Braggs was not there at all. By the way, I roasted him 
for not appearing in evening dress. 

Arthur. But don't you think he will be able to prove an 
alibi? 

Tom. Certainly not. He was the last to leave Smiths* re- 
ception — it was given for him, you know — and when 
he got back here at twelve o'clock, every one was 
asleep. Now, since you didn't go to the ball until after 
he left Smiths', how is he going to prove that he came 
home ? 

Arthur. That's so. Besides, my make-up was so good 
that every one at the ball took me for the Colonel, and 
when I was wandering around this morning trying to 
find ray way, I met a little man who said he had met 
me at the reception and insisted upon showing me 
home. 

Tom. Wonder who that was? But by Jove! Arthur, 
we oughtn't to sit here. (Arthur rises. Tom points 
out L.) Go through the library and up the back stairs. 

Arthur. How about the Colonel's clothes? 

Tom {taking the clothing from tinder tabW). You had 
better take them with you 

Arthur. All right, 

Tom. and when he comes down to breakfast, I'll slip 

across to his room and put the things where we found 

37 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGG8 



them. (Exif Arthur, dowfi l.) It's very fortunate 
that Arthur enjoys a joke. {Sits left of table.') Per- 
haps it is a little rough on the Colonel, especially as he 
is Aunt Martha's guest, but I would give anything to 
defeat him for the judgeship. He is so pompous and 
so sure of being elected. My article in the " Inde- 
pendent " will create a great sensation. By Jingo! I 
shall be able to ask Blight if I can marry Lilian. But 
suppose my conspiracy should fail? 1 don't like to 
think of the consequences. (^Enter Martha, c.) 
Good-morning, Aunt Martlia. 

Martha (^looking around roof?i). Hasn't he — hasn't he 
come down yet ? 

Tom. No; Arthur didn't sleep well, and he 

Martha {interrupting). I — I mean Cousin Alexander. 

Tom. Oh, the Colonel. No, I haven't seen him. Prob- 
ably he feels exhausted after last night's dissipation. 

Martha. Dissipation ! {Severely, to Tom.) Cousin Alex- 
ander is a model of tem))erance and moderation. 

Tom. Oh, yes, of course. That is what all his constituents 
say. 

Martha {as if to herself). He is so noble ! so good I 

Tom {aside). So conceited and egotistical ! 

Martha. Always so courteous and even-tempered ! 

Braggs {out L., angrily). Get out of my way, you black, 
cocoanut-headed monkey ! 

Martha. His voice ! 

Tom {aside). Judging from its tones, his temper is not in 
its normal state this morning. 

{Enter Braggs, doivn L.) 

Braggs. These impudent servants are a confounded nui- 
sance ! 
Martha. Why, Cousin Alexander ! What has happened? 
Braggs {shortly). Nothing. Nothing whatever. 
Tom. Didn't you have a restful night? 
Braggs. Didn't sleep an hour. 

Tom. Oh, you must 

Braggs {interrupting). Not a half hour. 

Martha. I am so sorry. 

Tom. Perhaps you were out too late. 

Braggs. Not aher midnight. 

Tom. Drank too much coffee, then. 

38 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGGS 



Braggs. Coffee? Rubbish! 
'lOM. You prefer tea ? 

Braggs {suspiciously). Eh ! {Aside,) I wonder if he 
means that for impudence. {Sits right of table l. c.) 

{Enter Dan, down L., with newspaper s.) 

Dan {going to table). De mornin* papers, sah. 
Martha. Is breakfast ready, Dan ? 
Dan. It am very imminent, ma'am. 

{Exit Martha, c. d.) 

Tom {aside). By Jove ! I wonder how he will enjoy my 
article. 

(Dan gives Braggs papers, and then bursts into suppressed 
laughter.) 

{Exit Dan /// l. Braggs takes up a newspaper and is 
about to read. Sifiging heard out L. Enter Kitty, c. , 
singing and skipping.) 

Kitty {curtseying to Tom). The top o' the mornin' to 
yez. 

{Runs up behind Braggs, and putting her hands over his 
eyes, kisses his bald head.) 

Braggs {severely). Kate ! 
Kitty. Right. Good guess. 

{Tickles the crown of his head.) 

Braggs {throwing down the newspaper upon the table). 

Katherine ! How often have 1 told you never to touch 

that spot ? 
Kitty {gaily). Oh, a couple of million times, but it's so 

tempting. 
Braggs. You are very disobedient. 
Kitty {sitting on the arm of Braggs' chair and putting 

her ami around his neck). Ah, was my old Daddy 

Longlegs in a temper? 
Braggs. Let me go. (Kitty rises and tickles Braggs on 

the crown of his head. Braggs springs to his feet.) 

I'll- — - {Exit Kitty, 71 p l., laughing. Bkaggs, 

aside.) She is becoming yjerfectly unmanageable. 
Tom. You have a charming daughter, Colonel. 

39 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGG8 



Braggs {shortly). Think so? 

Tom. Undoubtedly. One would never imagine you to be 
her father. 

Braggs {sharply). Eh ! 

Tom. I — I mean You are so different, you know — 

that is to say 

Braggs {interrupting). You had better say nothing, young 
man. 

Tom {aside). There seems to be no use in trying to ex- 
plain. I'll go and see if Arthur has returned that suit 
of clothes. 

{Exit, down l.) 

Braggs {sitting by table l. c). Yes; Kate is certainly 
spoilt. The best thing for her will be a governess. 
After the election, when I am firmly established as 
county judge, I'll have plenty of time to look for a 
sensible woman. (Thoughtfully.) Perhaps some day 
— but no ; I fear Martha would never consent. If she 
had not refused me twenty years ago — {sighing) but 
she did, and perhaps her reasons were good. But why 
should a man be strictly temperate? It would be im- 
possible in politics. One must be sociable and reply to 
toasts — especially when votes depend upon it. Cham- 
pagne doesn't agree with me, though. It never did. 
I knew last night that I'd have a headache this morn- 
ing 

{Enter Dan, 7/p l.) 

Dan. 'Scuse me, sah. (Braggs pays no attention.^ 

Colonel ! 
Braggs {indifferently). Eh ! 

Dan. 'Scuse me, Colonel, but 

^^AGGS {interrupting). Well, what is it ? What is it? 

Dan. Breakfast, sah. 

Braggs. Why didn't you say so before? 

Dan. I was preparin' to, sah, but 

Braggs {ifiterrupting and rising). You're an impudent 

rascal. 
Dan. Yas, sah. {Goes tip l.) 
Braggs. By the way, did you move a suit of clothes from 

a chair in my room ? 
Dan. I'd never transport nothin' without your instructions, 

Colonel. 

40 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAG 08 



Braggs (aside), Perhaps I didn't unpack it, after all. 

Dan. VVas it de clothes you wore last night, sah? 

Braggs. No ; of course not. 

Dan. I was considerin' that they were probably tore, sah. 

Braggs. Torn ! What do you mean ? 

Dan. When you scrambled across the garden wall and 
precipitated into the glass bed, you must have 

Braggs {astonished). Eh ! 

Dan {chuckling). 1 observed you, Colonel, but I'll keep 
de information entirely confidential, although de situa- 
tion was miglity rediclus. 

Braggs {angrily). Why, you insulting blackhead ! 

Dan. Yas, sah ; but 'scuse me 

Braggs {interrupting furiously). I'll punch your con- 
founded head ! 

Dan. But, Colonel, you don't understand. 

Braggs. I'll make you understand. {Exit Dan, up l., 
hurriedly.) I'hat man's insolence is unendurable. 
Such insulting language is beyond the bounds of all 
patience. {Breakfast bell rings.) Can it be that I 

took enough of anything last night to But no; 

impossible. I have taken the greatest care of my- 
self ever since the last presidential campaign. 

{Exit, up I..) 

{Enter Tom and Arthur, doivn l.) 

Tom. He's as cross as a bear this morning. 

Arthur. He'll be as mad as a hornet when he finds the 

condition his trousers are in. 
Tom. No doubt. I wish you had not fallen off that wall. 
Arthur. So do I. 

Tom. But the Colonel will never suspect. 
Arthur. 1 hope not. 

{Enter Dan, ?// l.) 

Dan. Breakfast, sah. 

Tom. All right, Dan. By the way, you didn't say any- 
thing to Colonel Braggs about {Hesitates.) 

Dan. 'Bout last night's 'speriences, sah? 

Tom. Yes. 

Dan. I just briefly mentioned de incident wid de glass bed, 
sah, an' 'peared as if he was mighty cut up 'bout it. 

41 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGG8 



Arthur. Well — it was enough to cut up any man. 

Dan. Reckon it must have been. 

Tom {winkifig at Arthur). Perhaps the Colonel had 

been drinking. 
Dan {chuckling). He had one drop too many, dat's sure. 

(Bell rings.) Dere's de door-bell. (^Goes up c.) 
lOM. Dan, don't say anything to my aunt about the 

Colonel's frolic. 
Dan. Not a syllable, sah. {Bell rings agaiti.) Comin' ! 

Some one's in a preposterous hurry. 

{Exit, c.) 

Arthur. Perhaps it's fortunate that Dan saw me climbing 

over the wall. 
Tom. Yes — for he will be another witness against the 

Colonel. 

{Exeunt Tom and Arthur up l.) 
{Enter Mrs. B. iz;/^ Dan, c.) 

Mrs. B. Oh, I wouldn't disturb them for the world. I 

was passing and thought I would just stop a moment 

to see — see Miss Murphy. 
Dan. I — I'm sure she'll be mighty happy to see you, Mrs. 

Bird. Please be seated. 
Mrs. B. Will she be long? 
Dan. Not unreasonably so, ma'am. Just occupy a chair 

and I'll inform her dat you'se present. 

(Mrs. B. sits r. c. Dan goes up c.) 

Mrs. B. Oh— Dan ! 

Dan {stopping). Yas, ma'am. 

Mrs. B. {hesitatingly). Did — a — has — a — that is to say, 

is — a — is Colonel Braggs still visiting here ? 
Dan {chuckling). Y-yas, ma'am. 
Mrs. B. What are you laughing at ? 
Dan {chuckling). N-nothing, ma'am. 

{Bursts into laughter, which he tries to suppress. Exit, C.) 

Mrs. B. Why — what is the matter with the man ? Surely 
— surely he intends nothing personal. Can he have 
heard of the Colonel's attention to me last night at the 
42 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



Military Ball ? But no — who would tell him ? What 
a dear, delightful man the Colonel is ! And such an 
exquisite dancer ! Why, he never appeared to tire. I 
wonder — 1 wonder if he really meant everything he 
said while escorting me home. If Mr. Bliglit should 
hear of it, he would be awfully jealous. But then a 
widow has a perfect right to accept the attentions of 
any one. In fact, it is what is expected of widowhood. 
{^Enter Martha, l. Mrs. B. rises and goes to vieet 
Martha.) My dear Martha, how sweet of you to 
leave your breakfast just for me. {^Kisses her.^ 

Martha. Oh, I had quite finished. 

Mrs. B. I was passing, you know, and I couldn't resist the 
temptation to call as usual. How is — -the Colonel this 
morning ? 

Martha {surprised). You know him? 

Mrs. B. {siitifig). Intimately. 

Martha. Indeed ! 

Mrs. B. I met him last night. 

Martha. Oh ! (Siis.) 

Mrs. B. He is such an affinble, merry man, that after one 
has known him an hour or two, it seems almost as if he 
were a lifelong friend. 

Martha. I had always imagined it rather difficult to be- 
come acquainted with him. 

Mrs. B. Difficult ! Why, my dear Martha, it is the per- 
sonification of ease. He has such a wealth of jokes. 

Martha. Jokes ! 

Mrs. B. Oh, perfectly proper ones — except perhaps one or 
two, and they were excusable, considering the quantity 
of champagne he consumed. 

Martha. Did he drink champagne? 

Mrs. B. Of course. What else would he do with it, my 
love? 

Martha (aside). And I thought he had reformed for my 
sake. 

Mrs. B. I've been wondering just how old a man the 
Colonel might be — he looks fully fifty. 

Martha (7vith dignity). I am not at liberty ■ 

Mrs. B. {interrupting). Oh, I didn't ask, you know. But 
he behaves in such a boyish manner 

(^Enter Braggs and Tom, l.) 
43 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGG8 



Braggs {to Tom). Yes, sir; I won my rank through hero- 
ism during the war. 

Mrs. B. {rising and goifig toivard Braggs with hand ex- 
tended^. Good-morning, Colonel. {Shakes hands vig- 
orously.) 1 hope you are rested after last night's ex- 
ertions. 

Braggs {of course not recognizing her). Oh, yes, quite 
rested, thank you, Miss — a 

Mrs. B. Oh, Colonel— Mrs. 

Braggs. Oh, yes, yes — of course — Mrs. — Mrs. — I have 
such a poor memory for names, you know. 

Tom {prompting hiniy aside). Mrs. Bird. 

Braggs. Mrs. Bird. 

Mrs. B. I knew you'd remember your Birdie — eh, Colonel ? 

{Laughs merrily and tur?is to Martha.) 

Braggs {aside). Never saw her in my life. {To Tom.) 
Who the deuce is she ? 

Tom {aside to Braggs). An intimate friend of aunt's. Prob- 
ably you met her last evening. 

Braggs {half aside). Probably at the reception. 

{Enter Kitty a?id Arthur, l.) 

Kitty. Pll bet you a dozen pairs of gloves he will be 

elected. 
Arthur. I'll take you. {Sees Mrs. B.) Why, how are 

you? I didn't expect to have the extreme pleasure 

of (Tom punches him.) Eh? — Oh — -I — I— beg 

your pardon. 1 — I'm not supposed to — I — I mean 1 

mistook you for — for a friend. 
Martha. This is Mr. St. John, Mrs. Bird. And this is 

Miss Braggs. 
Mrs. B. Tiie Colonel's daughter? Is it possible? Sweet 

child. We shall become very dear friends, I'm sure. 

(Braggs, Mrs. B., Kitty ^«// Martha talk aside.) 

Tom {aside to Arthur). Don't make any more blunders, 
or you will ruin everything. 

Arthur. I'll be careful, old man ; but considering the 
sweet confidences Birdie and I exchanged only a few 
hours since, it seems rather peculiar not to recognize 

44 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGG S 



one another. Why, she actually gave me a piece of her 
hair. 

Mrs. B. {lcadi?ig Braggs aaide). Colonel — tell me, what 
did you do witli that curl ? 

Braggs \jeeUng his hair). Curl, madam ? 

Mrs. B. The one your Birdie gave you. 

Braggs. My Birdie? {Aside.^ This female is — is de- 
mented. 

Mrs. B. Oh, you naughty boy. 

(Braggs retreats toward k.^ and Mrs. B./o//o7i>s, shakijig 
her finger and talking in pantomii7ie. He backs into a 
chair — then into Martha, who is talking to Kitty.) 

(iS'jr// Braggs, •R.yfollozued by Mrs. B.) 

Kitty. Why, what is the matter with daddy? 
Martha. I really cannot imagine. It's extraordinary ! 

(Kitty a7id Martha go to r. ajid look out.) 

(^Exeunt Martha and Kitty, r.) 

Tom {to Arthur). By the way, where did you put the 
Colonel's trousers? 

Arthur. In the closet. 

Tom. Oh, you should have left them on a chair, where 
they would be found. There's nothing like circum- 
stantial evidence in such matters. I'll go do it now. 

{Exit, down L.) 

Arthur (sitting by the table). I never enjoyed myself so 
much in all my life. I'm afraid the Colonel will have 
reason to remember his visit, though. It seems rather 
unkind to play such a joke upon him, for she — she is 
such a jolly sort of a girl. Kitty ! Pretty name. 
Kitty Braggs. That doesn't sound so well. Kitty — 
Kitty St. John. By Jove ! That's beautiful. If she 
would — but nonsense ! I've known her only a few 
hours. (Takes tfp paper from table.) The morning 
"Echo." I wonder if it contains any. echoes from last 
night's ball. But Tom is on the ''Independent." 
(Lays paper on right side of table. Takes up another 
paper from table.) Ah, this is it ! The " In- 

45 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGG8 



dependent" — William Blight — editor and By 

Jingo ! That was the name of the little man who 
escorted me home last night, or rather this morning. 
(^Enter Kitty, r. Arthur rises.) Ah, Miss Braggs, 
have you returned to renew our discussion ? 

Kitty. No — 1 bet you a dozen pairs of gloves that daddy 
would be elected 

Arthur. And I said I would take you. 

KiTTV. Take me ? 

Arthur. For better, for worse No, no, I don't 

mean that. Yes, I do ; I do. That is, you know, if I 
take you and you take me, why then we — we both take 
each other. Ha, ha, ha ! {Aside.) What in the 
deuce am I talking about ? 

Kitty. Daddy is received with enthusiasm everywhere. 

Arthur {aside'). Especially at balls. 

Kitty. Committees of leading citizens welcome him in 
every town with brass bands. {Marches up and down.) 
Boom, boom, boom -boom-boom, hurrah ! Is there 
anything in the paper about last night's reception ? Let 
me see. 

Arthur. Oh, no, no — nothing here at all. But the 
''Echo" has a long account. {Picks up paper from 
right side of table and gives it to her. Aside.) The 
account in the "Independent" would break her heart. 

Kitty {sitting by table and reading paper). Oh, this is 
simply fine! Splendid! {Reads.) "Miss Braggs, 
the Colonel's attractive and accomplished daughter, 

looked charming in a gown of ." Isn't that too 

nice for anything ! My dress was only white muslin. 
{Reads to herself.) " Miss Braggs, the Colonel's at- 
tractive " 

{Enter Blight, c.) 
Arthur. Why, good-morning, Mr. Blight. 
{Goes up stage.) 

Blight. I — I don't remember your face, sir. 

Arthur. No? You were kind enough to {Aside.) 

By Jove ! I keep forgetting that I am no longer the 
Colonel. {To Blight.) I — I had the pleasure of 
meeting you some time ago at — at 

46 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BEAGGS 



Blight. Oh — yes — where did you say? 

Arthur. At — {inumbluig) Mr. St. John. 

Blight. At Mr. St. John's? 

Arthur. No, no. St. John is my name. 

Blight. Oh, yes, yes; of course. Stupid in me not to 

remember you. {Shakes hands with hivi.') Glad to 

meet you again, sir, very. (Fearfully.) Is Colonel 

Braggs anywhere about? 
Arthur. He's in the garden. 

Kitty {who ts still reading paper). Oh, this is grand. 
Arthur. I'hat's the Colonel's daughter. I'll introduce 

you. {To Kitty.) Miss Braggs. 
Blight. His daughter ! No, no ! 

(Kitty turns, a?id Blight hides behind a chair.) 

Kitty. Well ? 

Arthur. I — I merely wanted to — to ask if you were enjoy- 
ing yourself. 

Kitty. Immensely. I must show this to daddy; he will 
be so pleased. You had better buy those gloves. 

{Exit, R.) 

Arthur. She's gone, sir. Have you any particular an- 
tipathy to the fair sex? 

Blight {coming from behind chair). No, no — not at all. 
I — I preferred to avoid an introduction at present, be- 
cause I Well, you see — for two reasons, first 

because I 

Arthur. I understand. Being the editor and proprietor 
of the "Independent" 

Blight {interrupting). That's it precisely. {Draws a 
copy of the ''Independent'' from his pocket.) Miss 
Braggs seemed rather pleased with the account of the 
Colonel's merrymaking. 

Arthur. She was reading the *'Echo." 

Blight. Oh ! A miserable sheet, sir. Miserable. A per- 
verter of truth. Always behind the times. Con- 
stantly in trouble over libel cases. An editor — I say it 
boldly — who was born to carry a hod — yes, sir, a hod. 
But the '* Independent " ? {Looks fearfully R.) Has 
the Colonel read this morning's issue? 

Arthur. I think not. 

47 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BEAGGS 



Blight. Ah! Were you at the ball last night? 

Arthur. 1? Oh, I'm a stranger here, you know. 

Blight. Then you do not know of Colonel Braggs' shame- 
ful behavior? 

Arthur. I saw something about it in the " Independent." 

Blight. A true account. (Raps paper he holds in his 
hand.) By one of our most reliable reporters. After 
reading of the Colonel's disgraceful conduct, what do 
you think of him as a candidate for county judge? 

Arthur. It is an insult upon the community. 

Blight. Of course it is. I tell you, sir — and I say it 
boldly — there are two reasons why the Colonel should 
be defeated. First, because he is an insult to the com- 
munity, and second You — you said the Colonel 

was in the garden ? 

Arthur. Yes. 

Blight. The — the other end ? 

Arthur. I imagine so. 

Blight [speaking defiantly and loudly). Then, sir, as I 
was remarking — I escorted the Colonel home early this 
morning in a horrible condition. 

Arthur. Oh, no ! 

Lilian {without). I must see her, Dan. 

Dan (ivithout). Yas'm. 

Lilian. Immediately. 

Dan. Yas'm. 

(^Enter Lilian and Dan, c. Lilian stops embarrassed^ 
Dan exits down l.) 

Blight. Why, Lilian ! 

Arthur (aside). Great Scott ! My other victim. 

Lilian. I — I did not know I — I thought I would 

call to see Miss Murphy. 

Blight. This is my daughter, Mr. St. John. 

Arthur. Charmed, I'm sure. 

Lilian. I think we have met before. 

Arthur. Eh? No, oh, no — I think not. 

Lilian. Perhaps not. The name is unfamiliar, but there is 
something about your figure — or voice — yes, I think it 
must be the voice. 

Arthur (^talking in a deep voice). Oh, you must be mis- 
taken. 

{Enter Tom, down L.) 

48 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAG OS 



Tom. Why, Lilian. Good-morning, Mr. Blight. 

Blight. Let me congratulate you, Tom. Your article was 
excellent, sir, — excellent. {Shakes his hand.') 

Tom. Thank you, sir. 

Blight. It has created a great stir throughout the town, 
I may say, the county. It does you credit, sir, — and 
we'll talk over that matter of the editorship at the office 
to-day. 

Tom. You are very kind, sir. 

Blight. I have come, thinking it would be well to inter- 
view the Colonel, and see what he has to say in de- 
fense 

Tom. He is in the garden, sir. 

Blight. Yes, I — I know — but you — you had better see 
him, I think. You wrote the article, you know. 

Tom. Very well, sir. 

Lilian {aside to Tom). I must speak with you alone. 

Tom {aside to Lilian). I shall be delighted. 

Lilian {aside to Tom). At once. 

Tom {to Blight). Mr. Blight, since you must go so 



Blight {interrupting'). I am in no hurry. 

Tom. Perhaps — perhaps you would like to see Aunt Martha 
and Mrs. Bird. 

Blight {eagerly). Mrs. Bird? 

Arthur. They are in the garden. 

Blight. Oh ! Well, I — I am sorry, but 

Arthur. I will tell them that you are here. 

Blight. Oh, no, no. Don't trouble yourself. I — I must 
be going. I've a little errand down the street. Per- 
haps I shall return when Mrs. Bird is leaving, and es- 
cort her home. 

{Exit, c.) 

Tom {aside to Arthur). Arthur, Miss Braggs is in the 

garden also, you know. 
Arthur. Eh? Oh, I understand. Three is a crowd. 

{Exit, r.) 

Lilian. Tom, I have been insulted— grossly insulted. 

You must fight him. 
Tom. Certainly ! I'll kill him. Who is the scoundrel? 
Lilian. Colonel Braggs. 

49 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGGS 



Tom. What ! Were you at the reception ? 
Lilian. No, it was at the Military Ball. 
Tom. By thunder ! 

Lilian. We were dancing together, and he proposed 

Tom. Proposed ? 

Lilian. Yes; proposed that we should go out upon the 

balcony. 
Tom. Oh ! 
Lilian. He seemed so — so entertaining that I consented, 

and we — we went out and leaned over the railing to- 
gether — you know the place. 
Tom. Yes, yes. Where we have so often gazed at the 

moon together. 
Lilian. Moon ! I hate the moon. {Begins to cry.) 
Tom. Why, Lilian ! 
Lilian. He — he asked me to look at the — the man in it, 

and when I raised my head he — he — he — the Colonel 

— kissed me. 
Tom. What ! I'll break Arthur's head. 
Lilian. Arthur? 
Tom. Yes — that is — no — no — I — I mean for not telling 

me that he — that the Colonel was so attentive. Arthur 

was at the ball. {Aside.) Confound his impudence. 
Lilian. But why didn't you interfere? You must have 

noticed 

Tom. Oh, I wasn't there. 

Lilian. Not there ? Then how did you write the account 

for the *< Independent " ? 
Tom. Eh? Oh — I — 1 mean I wasn't there — at the time — 

when the Colonel was so attentive, i — I didn't see him 

with you. 
Lilian. You didn't come near me. 
Tom. I was busy, you know. Very busy, taking notes of 

the ladies' dresses and — and things. I'll thrash him. 
Lilian. I knew you would defend me. 
Tom. Of course I will. 
Lilian (putting her arins about his neck). I felt sure that 

you loved me. 
Tom. With all my heart. 

{Enter Braggs, v.., paper in hand.) 

Braggs {looking out r.). That crazy woman won't give me 
a moment's peace. {Turns arid sees Tom and Lilian 

50 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



in each other's an?is.') How very interesting. Ahem ! 

(Tom and Lilian separate hastily.^ 1 didn't intend 

to interrupt. 
Lilian (l.). How dare you! You nasty, horrid, mean, 

contemptible 

Tom (c). Why, Lilian ! 
Lilian. Challenge him. 

Tom. Eh ? Oh, but I 

Lilian. Challenge him. 

Braggs. Is the young lady addressing her remarks to me? 

Lilian (to Braggs). Oh, you insulting old villain ! You 

reprobate ! 
Braggs. Eh ? 

Tom. Don't mind her, sir. She's excited. 
Lilian. Not mind me ? He must ! He shall 1 (^To Tom.) 

Do you refuse to challenge him ? 
Tom. I — I can't. 
Lilian. Can't 1 

Tom. You see 

Lilian {interrupting). Oh, yes, I see. Coward ! Hypo- 
crite ! You don't care for me, you know you don't. 

Deceiver ! 
Tom. Lilian ! 
Lilian (Jo Braggs). Scoundrel ! 

( Goes up, followed by TOM.) 

Tom. But Lilian 

Lilian. I won't listen. You don't care for me. 

(^jc^//;// Lilian andTou, c.,the latter vigorously protesting.) 

Braggs {throwing himself into chair by table). Whew 1 
( Takes out handkerchief and ivipes his face. ) She m ust 
be the crazy woman's daughter. Villain ! Rej^robate ! 
Scoundrel ! I never experienced such an ordeal in all 
my life. But what does it all mean ? {Reads paper. 
Enter Mrs. B., r. Tiptoes up behind him arid puts her 
hands over his eyes.) Kitty ! Stop that I 

Mrs. B. {aside). He calls me Kitty. 

Braggs. If you don't remove your hands immediately, I'll 
— I'll slap you. 

Mrs. B. Oh, Colonel ! 

51 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



Braggs {sprijigin^ to his feet ajid dropping paper). Great 

heavens ! (^Retreats left of table.) 
Mrs. B. How can you speak so to your Birdie ? 
Braggs. Madam, I — I mistook tlie hands. 

{Takes up the ^^ Independent'^ from left side of table and 
begins to read.) 

Mrs. B. Oh, why are you so cold? So distant? What 
has caused such a change in you since last night? 

Braggs. Madam, you are talking nonsense — perfect non- 
sense. 

Mrs. B. Oh, Colonel ! You were not with me last night? 

Braggs. Most certainly not. I was busily occupied at the 
reception until 

Mrs. B. But the Military Ball ? 

Braggs. I was not there. (^Re ads paper.) 

Mrs. B. Oh, Colonel ! 

Braggs (reading). What's this? What's all this mean ? 

Mrs. B. You mean to tell me that you didn't waltz with 
me? 

Braggs (springing to his feet, referring to paper). Wiiy, 
it's scandalous. (Reads.) 

Mrs. B. You didn't escort me home? 

Braggs (ivalking up and down). Outrageous ! 

(Strikes paper with hatid.) 

Mrs. B. You did. You know you did. You said my 
hair was like gold, ray eyes like stars, my teeth like 
pearls. You praised my appearance, my voice, my 
manner. 

(Enter Arthur, r.) 

Braggs. I deny everything. 

Mrs. B. You can't. You shan't. 

Braggs. It's a base libel. 

Mrs. B. It's the truth. Why, you actually held my hand. 

Braggs. It's a lie ! 

Mrs. B. Ah ! 

(Enter Martha and Kitty, r.) 

Martha. Something has broken the glass cucumber frame 
by the garden wall. What can it have been. Colonel ? 

52 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



Braggs {excitedly'). Oh, rats ! 

Martha. Not ruts. 

Braggs. Cats, bats — what in thunder do I care ! 

Arthur. No doubt the Colonel could inform us if 

Braggs {interrupting). What do you insinuate, sir? 
Arthur. That pride sometimes has a fall. 

Braggs. You mean 

Arthur. That you fell. 

KriTV. Not into the frame ? 

Arthur. Yes. Returning from the Military Ball. 

Braggs. It's false, sir ! Absolutely false 1 

{Enter Dan, l., carrying pair of trousers.) 

Dan. 'Scuse me, sah. But what'll I do with these pants? 
Dey am full of glass„ 

Braggs {astounded, then enraged). Why, why — it's a 
plot, that's what it is — a plot. I'll find that editor, 
and have it out with him ! It's a vile plot. 

{Rushes out l.) 

Martha {folloiving). Oh, Cousin Alexander I 

{Exit, L.) 

Kitty. It's a plot to prevent father's election. 

Mrs. B. He can't explain it that way. There are too many 
witnesses against him. Your father is a scoundrel, 
miss. He shall pay for his actions. He — shall — pay I 

{Exit, c.) 

Kitty. You hateful old thing ! {Bursts into tears.) Oh, 
it's not true. It's not true. 

{Exit, L.) 

Arthur {aside). Whew ! The fat's in the fire now, for 
sure. I'm rather sorry 1 did it. (Braggs and Tom 
heard off L., talking loudly. Dan stands c, holding 
trousers.) Dan, where's Mr. Scott? 

Dan {confidentially, pointing l.). He's in dere, sah, quar- 
relin'. 

Arthur. Quarreling? With whom? {Angry voices heard 
off -L.) Ah ! with the Colonel. 

Dan. He has a mighty powerful temper, sure 'nough, sah. 

53 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGQS 



[Enter Tom, dow7i l. He is evidently in a tejnper.) 

Tom {not noticifig the others). Well, if he refuses to be 
interviewed, it's not my fault. (6'<?<?i- Arthur.) Oh, 
there you are. {Sees Dan.) What are you grinning 
at, you blockhead ? 

Dan. At nothin', sah 

Tom {interrupting). Leave the room. 

Dan. Yas, sah. {Aside.) De Colonel seems to have 
spoiled his disposition. 

{Exit, c.) 

Tom. What in thunder did you mean by your outrageous 

conduct last night? 
Arthur. What conduct? 
Tom. Oh, you understand. How dare you kiss the girl I 

love ? 
Arthur. I did it to please you. 
Tom. 1 can please myself in that respect. I don't require 

a substitute. 

{A somewhat loiver conversation between Tom and Arthur. 
Everythitig at peace.) 

{Enter Braggs and Kitty, down l.) 

Braggs. Ah ! So you have decided to carry my message ? 
Tom. Certainly not. If you wish to interview the editor, 
go find him yourself. 

(Tom turns as though to exit c.) 

Braggs {following up c). But, young man \ young 
man 

{They join in a heated controversy up R. c.) 

Arthur {looking at Kitty; aside). She seems greatly 
depressed. Doubtless she is mortified on her father's 
account. Too bad ! And all my fault. ( Zb Kitty, 
approaching her down L. c. ) Miss Braggs, I — 1 would 
like in some way to convey my sympathy • 

Kitty {sharply). Mind your own business. 

Arthur {greatly taken aback). I — I beg pardon? 

{Pause.) 
54 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



Tom (Jo Braggs). No; of course I won't tell you who 
wrote that article. It was well done, deserves the high- 
est praise, and proves conclusively 

Braggs {interruptitig). Nothing. 

Tom. Everything. 

(^ExeiLjit Tom and Braggs talking excitedly, c.) 

Arthur {to Kitty). I simply wished to say that I feel 
there must be some mistake about — about this unfor- 
tunate newspaper account 

Kitty. You know nothing whatever about it. 

Arthur {offended). Oh, I don't? You seem very ready 
to deny my right to speak as an authority. I feel con- 
fident that 

Kitty {inter ruptiyig, sarcastically). I admit your self- 
confidence. 1 can't deny your claim to that. 

Arthur. Oh, very well. Enjoy your disagreeable mood 
to the fullest extent, for no one else does. Should you 
give offense, a half dozen enemies added to your father's 
list will be of no consequence. 

Kitty {angrily), I have told you that father has no 
enemies. 

Arthur. Last night's behavior will hatch out a large 
brood. Such actions as his at the Military Ball 

Kitty. He was not there. 

Arthur. I can bring witnesses. 

Kitty {crossing to r.). I don't care if you do. I won't 
listen to them. 

Arthur (^folloiving). But they will prove 

Kitty {interrupting). Nothing. 

Arthur. Everything. 

{^Exeunt Kitty «;/// Arthur, r.) 

{Efiter Braggs, c.) 

Braggs. Headstrong ! Self-willed ! Stubborn ! It's a 
pity — a great pity, for he seems an intelligent youth. 
\Sits.) I fear he does not admire me, which is cer- 
tainly lamentable, for he may have considerable influence 
with Martha. And just at this time I need her counsel 
and encouragement. {Enter Martha, l. Braggs 
rises.) Yes; if 1 knew that Martha cared for 

me {Sees Martha.) Oh ! 1 was not aware of 

your presence. 

55 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BEAGGS 



Martha {with embarrassment). I wished to see you, dear 
— dear Cousin Alexander 

Braggs. Ah, yes— of course. {Takes her hand.') 

Martha. To say how very grieved 1 am that such a false 
report should have been circulated. 

Braggs {eagerly). Then you believe it untrue? 

Martha. How could I do otherwise — after what you have 
told me this morning ? 

Braggs. Ah, yes — of course. Ah, my dearest Martha. 

Martha. Oh, Alexander ! 

Braggs {putting his arm about her). Will you be mine ? 

Martha. Will you become strictly temperate? 

Braggs. Absolutely. 

Martha {breaking away fro?n him). Oh, I must have 
time. 1 have so long accustomed myself to single haj> 
piness that the thought of marriage agitates me. Le^ive 
me, dear cousin, and when you return 1 shall give my 
reply. 

Braggs. But Martha 

Martha. Yes, yes — I beg of you. I must collect my scat- 
tered thoughts. 

Braggs. Ah, yes — of course. 

{Exit, down L.) 

Martha {kissing her hand after him). All the pent up 

devotion of my life is centered in that man. But it 

would not be modest or — or maidenly for me to yield 

to him too easily. 
Dan {without). Yas'm. I thinks Miss Murphy's at home. 

{Enter Dan, Mrs. B. a/z^ Lilian, c.) Am you visible 

to comp'ny, ma'am? 
Mrs. B. Martha, my love, I am so glad you are in. I 

wish your sympathy. 
Lilian. So do L 
Mrs. B. (r. c, laying her head on Martha's shoulder and 

beginning to cry). I — I need your advice. 
Lilian (l. c.,followi?ig Mrs. B.'s example). So — so do L 
Martha {7&ith an arm around each). VVhy, what is the 

matter ? 
Lilian. I — I've been insulted. 
Mrs. B. So have L 
Lilian. He — he — he kissed me. 
Mrs. B. He — he called me a — a liar. 

56 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGGS 



Martha. Oh, how terrible. (^Endeavors to restraiji her 
emotiofis.) Really, you — you quite overcome me. 
{Bursts into tears. All three cry and Dan, up r, c, 
ivho has been makim::; faces for some time, gets out his 
handkerchief and howls loudly. Exit Dan, up l. 
Martha dries her eyes.) There, there; don't cry. 
Tell me all about it. {Sits.) Who is this — this mon- 
ster that so insulted you ? 

Mrs. B. Colonel Braggs. 

{Enter Arthur and Kitty, r., and stop up r. Arthur 
restrains Kiity from interrupting during the conver- 
sation.) 

Martha {spriiiging to her feet). What ! 

Lilian. Yes ; Colonel Braggs. 

Martha. Impossible ! 

Mrs. B. He is a base deceiver. 

Lilian. A villain. 

Martha. 1 cannot believe it. You shall not speak so. 

Mrs. B. But it is true. He paid me the greatest attention 

at the Military Ball, and spent the entire evening at my 

side. 
Lilian. Except while he was with me. 
Mus. B. He danced almost every number with me. 
Lilian. And took me to supper. And to-day he acts as 

though I were a perfect stranger. 
Mrs. B. Vows that he has never seen me before, and hopes 

never to see me again. Imagine ! 
Martha. But — but — he asserts that he was not at the ball. 
Mrs. B. It's false. 
Lilian. Every one there saw him, and the newspapers are 

full of it. For some reason of his own he was not in 

evening dress, but he was there all right. The old 

scoundrel ! 

{Exeunt Arthur and Kitty, r.) 

Martha. But— I — I thought it must be some mistake. 

He said so. 
Mrs. B. Of course he did. To save his reputation. 
Martha. And did he take — anything — more than would 

give him a little headache ? 

57 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAQGS 



Lilian. Gallons. 
Mrs. B. Barrels. 
Martha. Oh, how cruelly I have been deceived 1 

Lilian, j 

(^Enier Braggs, down l. /// the following scene he turns 
protestmgly to each lady as she speaks. ) 

Lilian {to Braggs). Here he is. {They gather around 
him. Martha and Lilian, r. c, Mrs. B., l.) To 
think that such an ugly moulh kisseti — ugh ! 

Mrs. B. To think that such a hideous hand held — ugh ! 

Martha. To think that I listened to words from such a 
deceitful tongue — oh ! 

Braggs. Martha ! 

Martha. It should be plucked out by the roots. 

Lilian. Your lips should be burnt with a hot iron. 

Mrs. B. Your hand should be dismembered. 

Lilian {beginning to cry). You have insulted me. You 
old villain ! 

Mrs. B. {begifming to cry). You have insulted me. 
Monster ! 

Martha {beginning to cry). You have broken my heart. 

Braggs. But Martha 

Martha {interrupting). I won't listen to you. 

{Moves l.) 

Braggs {folloiving her), I can explain all. 
Martha. You have broken my heart. 

{Exit Martha, slamming door in Braggs' /(^^^.) 

Braggs. Martha ! Martha ! 

{Exit.) 

Mrs. B. We must have revenge. 
Lilian. Yes, yes. But how ? 



{E titer Blight, c.) 
deal 

58 



Mrs. B. Ah, Mr. Bhght— dear Mr. Blight 
Lilian. Father 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGG S 



(Mrs. B. and Lilian, as though struck with the same idea^ 
make a rush for Blight and lead him down stage, 
talking to him excitedly all the time.) 

Mrs. B. You will be my champion. 
Lilian. You will defend your daughter. 

(^Lead him to sofa, dotvn R., and forcing him down^ sit one 

on either side.) 

Mrs. B. You heard the vile epithet he applied to me. 
Lilian. And I have told you of his outrageous behavior. 

{Reenter Tom, c. Lilian sees Tom.) Tom ! 
Mrs. B. My dear Mr. Scott ! 

(Mrs. B. and Lilian make another rush up stage a?id lead 
him down — repeating former business.) 

Lilian. You will not allow me to be insulted. 
Mrs. B. You will protect a friend. 

{Forces hifn upo?i sofa.) 

Lilian {sitting beside Tom). Won't you be my vindi- 
cator ? {They talk in pantomime.) 

Mrs. B. {sitting beside Blight). You will challenge him 
to mortal combat ? 

Blight. Who? Colonel Braggs? 

Mrs. B. Yes. 

Blight. But my dear Mrs. Bird 

Mrs. B. Wipe out this black stain from my character. 

Blight. I — 1 am not an ink eraser, you know. 

{They talk in paniomiine.) 

Tom. But Lilian, if you understood matters, you would 

see that there is really nothing to challenge him for. 
Lilian. Nothing? When he has insulted me? Oh, Tom ! 
Mrs. B. {to Blight). He speaks of you with the greatest 

contempt. 
Blight. How dare he ? {Looks about as though fearful 

of Braggs' presence.) I repeat — and I say it boldly — 

how dare he ? 
Mrs. B. You will fight him ? 
Blight {hesitating). Well — I can't say that I will exactly 

fight him. 

59 



WHA2' HAPPENED TO BEAGGS 



Mrs. B. You are surely not afraid? 

Blight. Afraid! Madam, would you insult me? (Hifs 

his chest.') Gaze upon that chest. Beneath it beats a 

heart. Afraid ! Never ! 
Mrs. B. Valiantly spoken. Come ; send the Colonel your 

card ; let us await him in the garden. 

(^Exeunt Mrs. B. and Blight, r.) 

Lilian {sprifiging to her feet). You do not love me. 

'i'OM {rising). But Lilian • 

Lilian. You have never loved me. 

Tom. Yes, yes; I have. You know it. I will do any- 
thing to please you. 

Lilian. Then challenge the Colonel. 

Tom. All right. 

Lilian {throwing her arms around his neck). My true 
knight ! 

Tom {to Lilian). Let's adjourn to the garden, where we 
can talk about this quietly. 

{Exeunt Tom and Lilian, r.) 

{Door-hell rings. Enter Dan, down L., hurriedly.) 

Dan. 'Pears as if just as soon as I leave de door, de bell 
rings. {Bell rings again.) Yas, I'se comin'. 

{Exity c. A pause.) 

Aaron Cutter {without). Not in? Sure? 

Dan. Yas, sah. {Enter Cutter and Dan, c. Cutter 
speaks in a theatrical manner throughout.) Mister 
Tom didn't say where he was goin', sah. 

Cutter. I'll await his return. 

Dan. Yas, sah. Just occupy a chair, sah. {Aside.) What 
a splendiferous gen'leman that Mr. Cutter am ! 

{Exit, up h.) 

Cutter {sitting upon sofa, r. ). Dear, dear; twelve o'clock. 
1 hope he won't detain me long. But I must get that 
old man's make-up, or those amateur theatricals this 
evening will prove a failure. Young Scott promised to 
return it early this morning. 

(Enter Braggs, down l., holding Blight's card in his 

hand.) 

60 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAOQS 



Braggs {angrily). So you have come, have you? 

Cutter (^siariuig up). Eh ! (^Thinks it is Tom /;/ dis- 
guise.) Why — why (^Laughs heartily .) Excel- 
lent — excellent. Such a disguise ! 1 would never have 
known you. 

Bkaggs. What do you mean, you insolent puppy? 

Cutter. Capital ! You are a born actor. 

Braggs. How dare you ! {^Approaches him furiously and 
Cutter retreats behind the so/a.) How dare you in- 
sult me, sir — me— Colonel A-lexander Braggs ! 

(^Chases him around the sofa.) 

Cutter. Eh ! (^Retreats to table l. c). Oh ! Beg par- 
don — all a mistake — a thousand pardons. I thought 
that it was Mr. Scott in 

Braggs {interrupting). Ah, he told you to come. 

Cutter. Oh, no. He promised to bring the things him- 
self. Must have forgotten it, 1 suppose. Do you 
know anything about it ? 

Braggs ^furiously). I know far more about it than you 
do, sir. 1 know that every one of your statements this 
morning is a malicious falsehood. 

Cutter. Oh, draw it mild — draw it mild. 

Braggs {intermpting ; slowly advancing upon Cutter, 
who retreats fro?n table to sofa). 1, Col. Alexander 
Braggs, have vowed that when 1 should meet William 
Blight face to face, I would challenge him to fight a 
duel. 

Cutter. A duel? {Aside.) Oh, ho, he takes me for 
Blight, and wants to fight me. {To Braggs.) A 
duel, eh? 

Braggs. I require satisfaction. 

Cutter. Quite so. I admire your spirit. {Rubs hands 
together.) And so you wish to fight a duel, eh ? 

Braggs. To the death. 

Cutter. Exactly. Fun for you, but death to the frogs, 
eh ? Hah-hah-hah ! I think I can be of service to you. 
{Draws a card from his pocket.) One of my business 
cards. {Holds out card.) 

Braggs. I have one too many already, sir. 

{Waves Cutter's card aside.) 

Cutter. Indeed ! Yet I am well known. Now, I have a 

6i 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



bullet-proof vest which is worn directly beneath the 

coat — my own invention. 1 shall be pleat>ed to have 

you give it a trial. 

Braggs. Why, you insulting 

Cutter. The cost is but nominal, and it is well known 

that William Blight is a dead shot. 
Braggs. Plumph ! A dead shot sure enough when I finish 

with you. How dare you taunt me? 
Cutter. Oh, pardon me. No offense. 
Braggs. Enough of this. Meet me at the foot of the 

garden. 
Cutter. Certainly. What hour? 
Braggs. Five o'clock. 
Cutter. 1 shall be on hand. 
Braggs. What shall be the weapons? 
Cutter. Pistols are quite in order. I'll bring mine. 

You'll find my vest all I claim. Good-morning, 

Colonel. Very pleased to have met you. Foot of the 

garden, you say ? Five o'clock. I'll meet you by the 

little gate at four- thirty. 

(£xi^, c.) 

Braggs. The brazen newsmonger 1 Bullet-proof vest, in- 
deed ! I'll fill his insolent carcass full of holes. But 
suppose he should shoot first? Some men are unprin- 
cipled enough to take such an advantage. I cannot 
ajfford to run any risks. I owe my life to my county. 
Besides, if the community should learn that I was 
mixed up in a duel, — why — it would ruin my chances. 
What's to be done? (Si^s at table.) 

{Enter Blight and Mrs. B., r. Mrs. B. is shoving 
Blight. Braggs does not see them.') 

Mrs. B. There he is. Challenge him. 

Blight. Sh ! He will hear you. 

Mrs. B. I want him to hear me. (Ti? Braggs.) Sir! 

Braggs {looking up — aside). Oh, the tigress again. 

( Writes and pays no attention.) 

Mrs. B. {to Blight). What did I tell you ? He heaps 
insult upon me. Speak to him. 

{Shoves him forward. ) 
62 



WffAT HAPPENED TO BBAGGS 



Blight (hesitating, clearing his throat, and at last speak- 
ing hoarsely). My dear sir. {To Mrs. B.) You — 
you have no — no cough lozenges, have you ? I think 
1 have taken a very severe cold. 

Mrs. B. Speak boldly. Remember who you are. 

Blight. Oh, yes; so lam. 1 had forgotten. (Zi^BRAGGS, 
with an attempt to be fierce.) Sir I 

Mrs. B. (Jo Blight). Bravo ! 

Blight. I repeat — sir ! 

Braggs (wheeling quickly). Well, sir? 

Blight (Jiesitating, meekly). 1 — I merely wished to say 
that you shouldn't — that is, do you think it was exactly 
the proper thing? Now, really 

Braggs. What do you mean, sir? 

Blight (Jo Mrs. B.). Oh, what do I mean? 

Mrs. B. That you wish to fight him. 

Braggs. Fight me ? And pray for what cause, madam ? 
1 do not know this — gentleman. 

Mrs. B. {ifidigna?itly). For what cause, indeed ! 

Blight {interrupting). You see we can't fight; he doesn't 
know me. You can't expect him to fight a stranger. 

Mrs. B. But I say you shall fight. Challenge him. 

Blight. Really, you know, I 

Mrs. B. Challenge him. 

Braggs. This gentleman has nothing against me, and I 
decline to meet him. 

Blight. That's fair enough. 

Braggs (Jurning to table). You must excuse me; I am 
busy and wish to be alone. 

Mrs. B. Coward 1 

Braggs (ivith his back toivard her). Madam ! 

Mrs. B. Here 1 Throw the cushion at him. 

(Blight hesitates and Mrs. B. throws cushion. Braggs 
turjis and finds Blight in foreground as tf he had 
thrown it.) 

Braggs (^furiously). How dare you ! 

Blight (retreating). I — I 

Braggs. You are afraid to meet a man face to face ; but 
you creep up behind him like a — an Indian — I repeat, 
sir, an Indian, and strike in the back. You wish to 
fight me, sir ? 

63 



WHAT JIAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



Blight. No, oh, no — I — I am very forgiving. 

Bkaggs. Bat you must — 1 say you must. I don't know 
you, but I'll kill you as I would a — a dog. Meet me 
at the lower end of the garden at five. Want to chal- 
lenge me, do you ? I'll kill you, sir, I'll kill you I 

(^Exii, R. Blight sinks upon the sofa with a groan and 
covers his face with his hands, Mrs. B. not tioticing his 
depression.^ 

(^Enter Martha, l.) 

Mrs. B. Oh, Martha, have you heard? But of course you 
haven't. Mr. Blight and Colonel Braggs are going 
to 

Blight. Don't tell her. 

Mrs. B. Why not? But she might interfere. 

Blight. Eh ? Perhaps she ought to know. 

Mus. B. Of course not. I was simply going to say that 
Mr. Blight and the Colonel have had a little misunder- 
standing. 

Martha. Yes, I know about that unfortunate newspaper 
article. It is to be greatly regretted. (^Enter Cutter, 
c. Martha, to Blight.) You do net know his good 
qualities. 

Blight. Yes, I do. Just as well as I know yours. He's 
a pigheaded fool. 

Martha. You would learn to love him. 

Blight. Love him? Why, he's a perfect ass. We don't 
agree on a single point. 

Martha. He is so misunderstood. 

(Cutter coughs.) 

Cutter. Excuse me — this is really very embarrassing. I 
didn't mean to interrupt. Very interesting, though. 
Highly dramatic. (Martha holds her handkerchief to 
her eyes. Exit Martha, l.) Make a capital stage 
scene. An anti-climax. The wife begs and entreats, 
but in vain ; and breaking into hysterical sobs, exits L. 
The husband is left alone with the adventuress, and 

Mrs. B. Sir ! 

Cutter. Oh, beg pardon. Nothing personal intended, I 
assure you. The dramatic instinct, madam. 1 might 
64 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



add that in my time I have graced the stage in many 
parts. 

Mrs. B. {^slifly). What is your business, sir? 

Cutter. Costumer, wig-maker and stage manager, for 
amateurs. Have a card. (Holds out his card.) 

Mrs. B. I mean your business here. 

Cutter. Well, candidly, I suppose you might say I have 
no business here, especially during such a scene as that 
I just witnessed. But Mr. Blight always had a way 
with the women. {To Blight.) I wish to see you a 
moment, sir. They told me you were here. 

Blight. Me ? What about ? 

Cutter. Privately, sir. 

Blight. But this lady 

Mrs. B. {interruptingy haughtily). I'm sure I have no 
wish to remain. {Walks L.) 1 have no need for 
wigs, even though you may have. 

{Exit, L. Cutter laughs.) 

Blight. What are you laughing at ? Why do you come 

here and make a fool of me ? 
Cutter. Oh, my dear sir, there's no cause for me to do 

that. I don't wish to take your time, — but — a — I 

assure you it is a delicate topic — 1 understand that 

Colonel Braggs and you 

Blight. Colonel Braggs and 1 1 

{Looks around as though /earing Braggs to be near.) 

Cutter. I beg your pardon — you and Colonel Braggs, of 
course. Well, you and Colonel Braggs have had a 
little — how shall 1 put it? — a little — fracas — that's it — 
fracas, and he has called you out — beg pardon — you 
have called him out ; am I right? 

Blight. I am not quite sure who did the calling. But I 
don't think there'll be any fight. 

Cutter. No fight? Oh, too bad ! What a great disap- 
pointment it must be to you ! Of course, he apolo- 
gized for all the hard things he said about you ? 
Strange, though, that he should consent to do so. 
Why, when I met him here a few minutes ago, he im- 
pressed me as being a regular fire-eater. He ranted 
around here and swore that he would make you eat 
sawdust for all the lies you had printed 

65 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



Blight. What I 

Cutter (aside). Looks as though there might be a fight 

after all. 
Blight. I'll kill him ! 
Cutter. So you wish to fight? 
Blight. Of course. This afternoon at five. I am going 

to kill him. 
Cutter. Of course; but they say the Colonel's a dead 

shot. 
Blight. Is he? I notice he does a great deal of blowing 

about it. {After a pause.) Perhaps it would be — 

more genteel to fight with swords. 
Cutter. Oh, he had the reputation of being the best 

swordsman in the army. He'd stick you right through 

as he would a — a 

Blight (siv a /lowing). Yes, I know. A dog. 

Cutter. 1 have patented a bullet-proof vest which is worn 

out of sight, under the coat, and with it on, one is 

absolutely safe. 
Blight. And would you — do you mean that you will be so 

kind 

Cutter. Why, certainly. I would do anything for a 

friend. Of course, there will be a slight cost, just to 

cover wear and tear, but 

Blight. I won't object to paying for the wear, but I 

Cutter (interrupting). Don't want any tear, eh? Very 

clever ! 
Blight. All right. If your vest is any good I'll probably 

find it out. Meet me at the end of the garden at five 

o'clock. And meanwhile (Holds up finger.) 

Cutter. Oh, not a word, sir, not one word. That's 



business ! 



(Exit, c.) 



Blight (going c). I'll just make sure he gets out without 
seeing any one. 

{Enter Mrs. B., l.) 

Mrs. B. Mr. Blight, are you running away? 
Blight. Running away? From what? 
Mrs. B. From Colonel Braggs. 
Blight. Certainly not. 

66 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAQGS 



Mrs. B. Then from me ? First you sent me out of the 



room 



Blight. Oh, Mrs. Bird ! 

Mrs. B. Yes, you did. You were glad to get rid of me. 

You know you were. 
Blight. Oh, no. 
Mks. B. 1 say you were. 

Blight (asiWe). And 1 am going to fight for that woman. 
Mks. B. You needn't try to deceive me. But 1 must say 

that a gentleman would not allow himself ■ 

(Cries heard out r. Enter Lilian, r.) 

Lilian. Tom ! Tom ! She'll kill me ! Where's Tom ? 

Mrs. B. What's the matter? 

Lilian. That Braggs girl ! She's the nastiest, horridest 
girl I ever saw. 1 told her that father and Tom were 
going to fight the Colonel, and that 1 hoped they 
would kill him one after the other, and she slapped my 
face. 

Mrs. B. Oh ! 

Kitty {angrily, out r.). You had no business to hold me. 

Arthur {without). But I couldn't allow you to murder 
her. 

(Enter Kitty and Arthur, r. Kitty is armed with a big 
stick.) 

Kitty. I hate her! And if I ever catch her, I'll 



{Sees Lilian.) Oh, there you are. {Makes a rush at 
her. Mrs. B. and Lilian run l., screaming. Kitty 
swings the long stick, s7veepifig it along the floor ; and 
Blight, who cannot cross to l. quickly enough, is hit 
upon the heels. Kitty szvifigs the stick from right to 
left. Mrs. B., Lilian and Blight run R. Enter 
Tom, c, and is hit by the stick. Exit Mrs. B., Lilian 
and Blight, r.) It serves you right, and I'm not a bit 
sorry. You have no right to say such things about my 
father. You're a hateful, spiteful thing. 

Arthur. Oh, Miss Brnggs ! 

Kitty. I've had a perfectly horrid time ever since I came, 
and I'm not going to stay any longer. 

Tom. But your father ? 

Kitty. I'll make him leave. 

67 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BEAGGS 



Arthur. Oh, please don't go. 
Kitty. I shall. So there 1 

(^Exity L.) 

Arthur. Now you've done it. 

Tom. It isn't my fault. 

Arthur. Not your fault? You were the originator of the 

whole deception. 
Tom. Certainly. You would never have had the brains to 

think of such a scheme. If you hadn't acted so out- 
rageously at the ball 

Arthur. You told me to play a part. 

Tom. Yes, and you played the fool. 

Arthur. Well, I am sick and tired of the whole business. 

1 think it a shame to treat Miss Braggs' father this way, 

and— — - 
Tom. And I think it's an outrage the way you have stirred 

up discord. You will have blood on your hands, first 

thing you know. 
Arthur. What do you mean ? 
Tom. That some one is going to be killed. That's all. 

As a result of your behavior, the Colonel has two duels 

to fight — Mr. Blight and myself. 

(^Enter Kitty dragging Braggs, l. She has put on street 
clothes hurriedly, as though taking flight.') 

Kitty {helping him on with his coat). Here, put your coat 

on. We have only a few minutes to catch the train. 
Braggs. But our trunks? 
Kitty. They can follow later. We must go. 
Tom. You're not going ? 
Braggs. Oh, no. 
Kitty. Oh, yes. 

Braggs. But I have a — a — an engagement this afternoon. 
Tom. Yes, with me. 

{Enter Blight, Mrs. B., ^«^ Lilian, r.) 

Braggs. No, sir; not with you. 

Tom. But I repeat 

Braggs. And I say no. My engagement is with that in- 
fernal scoundrel Blight. 
Mrs. B. How dare you speak so? 
Blight {meekly). Yes, how dare you? 

62> 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGQ8 



Braggs (angrily). What is it to you, sir? I'll attend to 

you afterward — you puppy. 
Mrs. B. You will be sorry you ever talked so of Mr. 

Blight. 
Braggs. Blight? Blight? He's an imbecilic ass ; but I 

was speaking of X\ns— (^pointing to Blight) this 

All. That is Mr. Blight. 

Braggs. What 1 You ! 

Blight (k., badly frightened). H-how dare you? 

Braggs (c). You ! I'll kill you right hereon the spot. 

{Lifts a cliair above his head and brandishes it tiireateningly. 
The others interfere. ) 

Tom {coming doiun "L.^ pulls doivn chair that ^^ik^q.Q's, has 

If ted). No you won't ! 
Braggs {turning furiously on Tom). I will. I'll kill you, 

too ! 
Kitty {screaming). Oh, stop them ! Will nobody stop 

them ? 
Arthur. Yes, I will. Watch me. {Comes dozvn between 

Braggs and'You.) That will do. (Tl? Blight.) At 

what time were you engaged to meet this gentleman ? 

Blight [nervously). At five o'clock. But 

Arthur. Can you conveniently wait till then? 

Blight. Why — er {Looks at Mrs. B.) Certainly. 

Arthur {to Braggs). You are a man of your word, 

Colonel. Keep your engagement at five. 
Braggs {furiously, to Arthur). This is none of your 

affair, sir ! 
Arthur. Ah, isn't it? I rather thought it was. {To 

Tom a7td Blight.) Let me settle this. 
Mrs. B. {rushing down to Blight). My hero ! 

{Draws him up r., talking iti pantomime.) 

Lilian {rushing doivn to Tom). Oh, Tom ! 

{Draws him up L., talking in pantomime.) 

{Exeufit yiRS. B., Blight, Lilian, Tom, c.) 

Braggs {to Arthur). Sir, you shall answer to me for this ! 
Arthur {wearily). All right. At five o'clock. 

{Exit Braggs, l. Kitty cojfies down c.) 

69 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGG8 



Kitty. Oh, Mr. St. John, father mustn't kill anybody, and 

nobody shall kill him ! You said you'd stop it. 
Arthur. Would it please you to have it all stopped ? 
Kitty. Oh, yes. 

Arthur. Then it shall be, if I can do it. 
Kitty. When ? 
Arthur. At five o'clock ! {Takes her hand,) 



curtain 



70 



ACT III 

SCENE.— ^^>^/ of garden. Time— 4 P. M. 

(Kitty discovered seated upon bench up R. She is reading 
paper. ) 

Kitty. The horrid, mean things, to publish such a lot of 
stories about papa, when he wasn't at the ball at all ! 
But I don't understand it. And now how is it going 
to end ? What is Mr. St. John going to do ? ( Thought- 
fully.^ I wonder — I wonder — but every one ought to 
know papa 

(^Enter Arthur, up l.) 

Arthur. Oh, there you are, Miss Braggs. I've been look- 
ing for you everywhere. 

Kitty. Have you got things all fixed ? Is it all cleared 
up ? Is papa 

Arthur. Now, Miss Braggs, you know I said 



Kitty {interrupting). Are you going to stop them from 

fighting ? 
Arthur. Yes ; don't worry. I will protect him. 

(JSits on arm of bench.) 

Kitty {haughtily). Protect him ! He will protect himself. 

Arthur. But you don't want him to fight ? 

Kitty. I don't want him to lose his honor ! 

Arthur. My, but you are cross. 

Kitty. I'm not cross. 

Arthur. You're not? Just a trifle abrupt, then. 

Kitty {snappishly'). I'm not. 

Arthur {jumping up). By Jove ! You frightened me. 
You know, Miss Braggs, I think it's a pity you and I 
are not better friends. I enjoy talking with you so 
much. {Earnestly.) From the very first time I saw 
you I — that is to say I — {hesitating) oh, hang it, you 
know what I mean. {Sits doivn beside her.) You 
know, I can't say how sorry I am that I — that your 
father has kicked up such a dust. 

71 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BEAGGS 



Kitty. Papa never kicked up a dust. 

Arthur. Well, perhaps dust isn't exactly the word, since 
he certainly wasn't very dry. 

Kitty (insulted). Do you mean to say 

Arthur. No, no — of course not. You misunderstood me. 

Kitty. Then you don't believe that papa was at the ball ? 

Arthur {cautiously). Well 

KiTTV. Neither do I. Do you know what I think? Some- 
body else must have been mistaken for him. 

Arthur. Eh? Oh, no. 

Kitty. Why not? 

Arthur. VVell — you see— in the first place, it would be 
very difficult for any one to disguise himself 

Kitty. 1 don't mean that. 

Arthur {suddenly struck ivith ivhat he was saying). By 
Jingo ! {Rises.) 

Kitty. But some one might have done even that — though 
no gentleman 



Arthur. Oh, I say- 

Kitty. Only some disreputable coward. 

Arthur. No, no — not that. 

Kitty. Yes, just that — a coward. And I would tell him 

so, too. 
Arthur. Maybe you won't have the chance. But really, 

it might have been your father. You know Dan saw 

him fall off the garden wall. 
Kitty. But he couldn't have seen him. 

{Enter Dan, /// R.) 

Dan. Pardon, Miss Braggs, but dey am lookin' for you up 

at the house. 
Arthur. Ah, Dan, you are just in time. Miss Braggs 

doesn't believe that you saw the Colonel fall from the 

wall this morning. 
Dan. Certainly I sawed him. Right into de cucumber 

bed. Why, you sawed him you'self, sab. 
Arthur. I ? Oh, no. 
Dan. But Mr. Tom tole me you did. An' you said you 

was dah, sah. 

Arthur. Well, I may have been there, but 

Kitty. You mean you were in the garden when papa — • 

when some one fell from the wall ? How is it you 

were there so early in the morning ? 
72 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGGS 



Arthur. Well, you see — I was late, you know — that is to 

say 

Dan. It was just this way, mam. I heard de crash an' I 

looked out my room winder quick. An* dar 1 sawed 

de Colonel 

Kitty. It was not he. 

Dan. It looked characteristically like him, mam, sure. He 

was scrambling out of de cucumber beds like as tlioiigli 

it wasn't restful. Well, soon as I sawed him, I hurried 

right down, an' I found Mr. Tom and Mr. Arthur in 

tlie library; didn't I, sah ? 
Arthur. Yes ; you see we had heard the crash also. 
Dan. An' you didn't have no gahments on your legs, had 

you, sah ? 
Arthur. That has nothing to do with it, Dan. 
Dan. No, sah. Den you know 1 found dem trousers in 

his room. 
Kitty. I'hey couldn't have been his. 
Arthur. Why not? He wears them. 
Dan. They certainly didn't belong to Mr. Tom — nor to 

Miss Martha. 1 found somethin' else, too. Looked 

like a false wig an' 

Arthur. Eh? How very funny. (^Laughs extravagantly.) 

But we must go to the house. {2^o Kitty.) They 

will wonder where you are, won't they? 
Kitty {to Dan). Did you say you found a wig in papa's 

room ? 
Dan. Yas, miss. It is just de color he wears, but I didn't 

like to say anything 

Arthur. No, of course you didn't. (^Laughs again. 

Aside, to Dan.) Shut up, you fool ! {To Kitty.) 

What a lovely afternoon it is, aren't it? I mean amn't 

it? {Aside, to Dan.) If you bring that wig here, I'll 

give you five dollars. {To Kitty.) Did you say 

rain ? No, I think not. These misty mornings seldom 

mean wet afternoons. {Aside, to Dan.) Hurry ! 

Quick ! 
Dan. Yas, sah. 

{Exit, up v..) 

Kitty. Why, how strangely you are acting ! 
Arthur. Oh, no — you see it's just my interest in this — • 
that is to say {Hesitates.') 

73 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



Kitty. You mean your anxiety on papa's account? 

Arthur. Yes, precisely. 

Kitty. Oh, thank you. I depend on you to help me 

learn the truth about this ball. 

Arthur. Eh ? Why — why 

Kitty {Jioldins^ out her hand). Thank you, again — so 

much. Now we must go. 

[Exit, up R. ) 

Arthur. If she looks at me that way again, I'll confess 
everything. 

(^Exit, up R.) 

{Efiter Cutter, up l., followed by Tom. Cutter has 
package under his arm.) 

Cutter. But I tell you, Mr. Scott, I need that make-up 
to-night. 

Tom. I'll have it there in lots of time. I have been too 
busy. I don't see why you had to come after it. 

Cutter. Anxiety, sir, anxiety. Natural — hereditary from 
a great aunt. But I may have had another reason for 
coming this afternoon. I don't suppose you have hap- 
pened to see Colonel Braggs anywhere, eh ? 

Tom. No. 

Cutter. I thought not. A little early perhaps, — I mean 
for him to be going to the train. 

Tom (eagerly). He might be going. That path goes to 
the gate by the road. If you wish to see hi in 

Cutter. Thanks. I'll just saunter that way (aside), and 
back again. 

(Exit, L.) 

Tom. I wonder what he's prowling around for. It will 
never do for him to be here while the duel is in prog- 
ress. We don't wish a scandal. 

(Enter Arthur, up r.) 

Arthur. Have you seen Dan ? 

Tom. No, not since he went on an errand for Aunt Martha 

at eleven o'clock this morning. 
Arthur. I have. He found the wig and the other things. 
Tom. Where are they ? 

74 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



Arthur. I offered him five dollars to bring them here at 

once. 
Tom. Good. Probably five dollars more will close his 

mouth. 
Arthur. By Jingo ! I'll be glad when this affair's over. 

1 would like to wash my hands of the whole matter. 
Tom. Of course you would. And leave mine dirty. But 

you can't do it. You've got blood on your hands. 
Arthur. Oh ! 
Tom. Or you will have. 
Arthur. You don't mean that there's really going to be a 

fight ? 
Tom. Don't I? Here comes one of the principals now. 

(^E titer Blight, timidly, led by Mrs. B. ajid Lilian, up l.) 

Mrs. B. This is the spot. 

Blight {seeins^ Tom and Arthur — Tom pointing at hini). 

Hold on ! Don't shoot ! Oh ! It's only you. 
Lilian. Father, be brave ! 
Blight. I am brave. Who says I'm not brave ? But it 

isn't fair for any one to shoot me in the back — now, is 

it ? {Sees Arthur atid dodges.) 
Mrs. B. You should wear a bold front, at any rate. 
Blight {ha // aside). I'm going to. That is, if he brings it 

in time. {To Lilian.) You said it was only four 

o'clock, didn't you? 
Arthur. Half- past four, I think. 
Blight. No, only four. It can't be later. 
Arthur. Look for yourself. {Points off R.) You can 

see the church clock through the trees. 
Blight. Then it's time he was here. I — I won't fight if 

he doesn't come in a few minutes. 
Mus. B. But the meeting was not to be until five. 
Blight. 1 don't care. I'm here. He can't expect me to 

wait all afternoon. I shan't wait, either. 
Tom. I'm afraid the meeting won't have a quorum present 

unless you do. 
Blight. Why don't you fight — if you're so anxious for 

some one to wait ? 
Lilian. Oh, he's going to. 
Blight. When ? 
Tom. After you. 
Blight. After me ? 

75 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGG8 



Mrs. B. {to Blight). He gives you the preference, of 

course. Think of tlie honor of killing such a man. 
Blight. Yes. {To Tom.) And after I've killed him, 

you I say, sui)pose 1 resign the honor in your 

favor. 
Tom. Oh, I couldn't think of depriving you. 
Mrs. B. Be brave ! The man 1 marry must be a hero, 
Arthur {aside ^ to Tom). The man who marries her will 

be a hero. 
Mrs. B. What a lovely secluded spot ! I hope no one 

will interrupt. Of course, Tom, your aunt knows 

nothing of this ? 
Tom. Oh, no. She has such a high-strung nature, we 

thought it best to keep this secret from her. Of course, 

you ladies can't remain. 
Mrs. B. {sighing). No, I suppose not. (7"^ Blight.) I 

would so love to see you shot, my dear — I — I mean 

shoot. Keep up a brave heart, my lion. Remember 

that you are dying for me. Farewell. 

{Kisses his brow.') 

Lilian {sadly). Good-bye — dear, dear father. 

Blight {gulping). Good-bye. 

Lilian. If I never see you again — if I never see you 

again {Bursts 07/t cryifig.) 

Tom. Don't cry, Lilian. Don't cry. 

{Exeunt Lilian, Mrs. B. and Tom, vp r.) 

Blight. That's a nice, bracing adieu to give a man who 

needs a steady hand. 
Arthur. They seem very deeply moved. 
Blight. They ought to be. I'd never have been in this 

mess if it hadn't been for them. It's manslaughter, 

that's what it is. It's worse than manslaughter — it's 

premeditated murder. 
Arthur. No, no — don't say that. If any accident should 

happen, we would all end in jail. 
Blight. Jail ? Say, can't you manage to lock me up for 

two or three days? I'll assault you, if you think it 

will do any good. 
Arthur. No, I don't think it will. 
Blight. It's not that I object to fighting, you know — only 

76 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGG S 



— well, it's been so long, that I'm a little rusty. If I 

could wear— 1 mean 

Arthur. A bold front ? 

Blight. Precisely. Do you know if a package has been 

left for nie at the house? 
Arthur. I haven't heard of it. 
Blight. I'll go see. If I can wear — a bold front — I think 

I will rather enjoy fighting. 

(£xt/, up R.) 

Arthur. This is awful — simply awful. To think of that 
poor man being shot, and all because — oh, it's all my 
fault. And suppose he should kill the Colonel, or even 
wound him only — she would never forgive me. Yes, 
she would hate me. How can 1 prevent this duel? If 
only I could fight in her father's place 

(^E titer Braggs, up L.) 

Braggs. It's five o'clock. He's not here, so I shan't wait. 

{Sees Arthur.) Oh ! It is five, isn't it? 
Arthur. Not yet, sir. {Looks at clock.') 
Braggs. He ought to be here, at any rate. 
Arthur. Mr. Blight was here a few minutes ago, sir, and 

went away again. 
Braggs. Eh? Went away? {With contempt.) Of course 

he did, the coward I 1 knew he wouldn't fight. 
Arthur. Oh, he will return in a few minutes, sir. 
Braggs. But he has no right to do that. Why — why — it's 

a breach of the code for a man to come and go at all 

hours. I would have a perfect right to refuse to fight 

with such a — such a jack-in-the-box. 

Arthur. But if he comes 

Braggs. Eh? {Disappointedly.') Yes— yes— of course. 

Well, if I have to fight— I By the way, did you 

see anything of a package addressed to me? 
Arthur. No, sir. It's terrible to think of your standing 

up to be shot without any protection. 
Braggs. Protection? I don't desire protection, sir. 

{Aside.) Who was that man who offered me the vest ? 

Will he bring it? {To Arthur.) By the way, has 

any one been asking for me ? 
Arthur. Not during the past few minutes. 
Braggs {aside). He said he would come at 4 : 30. Let's 

77 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGGS 



see. He told me he would meet me at the little back 
garden gate. {Aloud.') I think I'll saunter around a 
little — ^just to — ^just to pass away the time. 

(^Exiiy L.) 

Arthur. Dear litde Kitty ! To think that her father is 

going to be murdered. Horrible ! Oh, it must be 

prevented. But how — how ? If I could only 

\Struck with an idea.) By Jove ! I shall ! {Enter 

Dan, up L.) You brought them? 
Dan. Yas, sah. Here it am. {Holds out wig.) 
Arthur. Good. But where are the whiskers? {Takes wig.) 
Dan. You didn't ask for dem, sah. How did you know 

dere was any whiskers ? 
Arthur. Eh ? Why — why, whiskers always go with wigs, 

of course. 
Dan. Does dey, sah ? 
Arthur. Certainly. And wigs with whiskers. But 

hurry ! I must wear them. I — 1 mean, I wish them. 
Dan {not going). Yas, sah. 
Arthur. Why don't you go? 
Dan. You remarked dat as a slight reward you would give 

me- 

Arthur. Oh, you want the five dollars. {Takes out 

money.) If you keep your mouth shut, I'll make it five 

more. {Hands Dan money.) 
Dan. Can't I talk, sah? 
Arthur. Not about finding these things. 
Dan. Oh, no, sah. I won't say an epithet, sah. Not an 

epithet. 
Arthur. Very well. There you are. Now, hurry. But 

I'll go with you. Come on ! Come on ! 

{Enter Tom and Lilian, up r.) 

Tom. Where are you going? 

Arthur {hesitating). To change my clothes. 

{Exeunt Arthur and Dan, up l.) 

Tom. At last, Lilian, we are alone. Come, sit down here. 
I am so glad that you are no longer provoked with me. 

{They sit on bench up ^.) 

78 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



Lilian. I could not be, now that you have confessed. 

Tom {frightened). Confessed! W-what have 1 said ? 

Lilian. Of course, now that you have told me that out of 
respect for papa, you could not fight the Colonel — 
until after he had, 1 honor your restraint. It was very 
brave in you, Tom, to thus control yourself when you 
were so anxious to fight. 

Tom. I fear your father does not appreciate my seeming 
hesitancy. 

Lilian. That is only generosity on papa's part. He would 
like you to be shot at, too. You know he has always 
been very fond of you, 

Tom. But if he should once suspect {Siops.) 

Lilian. What ? 

Tom {hesitating). My — my fondness for his daughter. 

Lilian. 1 think he knows. 

Tom. He does ? And he is not angry ? 

Lilian. Why should he be? You have never done any- 
thing to be ashamed of. 

Tom. Eh? No — no. {Quickly.) But if he should once 
find out — that is — if 1 ever should do something 

Lilian. You couldn't. 

Tom. But if he should hear of something — ^just for fun, 
you know — let's pretend — would you still believe in 
me? 

Lilian. Always. 

Tom. But suppose it were true? 

Lilian. Then I would forgive you. 

Tom. And continue to care for me? 

Lilian. I couldn't help myself. 

Tom {throwing his arms about her). You angel ! 

Lilian {rising). Oh, Tom ! Not here ! 

{Leaves shawl and parasol on the bench.) 

Tom. Then let's go to our secluded spot by the garden 
gate. I want to talk all about the future. 

(Takes her hand and draws her l.) 

(Enter Braggs rtJw.y Cutter, doivn l.) 

Cutter. Ah ! (Tom and Lilian separate.) Oh, don't 

let us interrupt. 
Lilian. Ugh ! 

79 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGGS 



(^Exii L., hurriedly i followed by Tom, ivalking with great 
digfiity.') 

Cutter (laughing). They seem to be slightly enamored. 
Sorry to disturb them, but glad they left us alone. 
{Looks at watch.') Great Caesar! You will have to 
move quickly to have your chest protector on by the 
time the game is called. (^Undoes package which he 
puts on ground I..) Off with your coat. Colonel. 

Braggs. Eh? 

Cutter. My vest goes right on over yours, you know. 
{^Holds out vest.) How is that for a life saver? See 
my card — right here on the belt? ** Cutter's bullet- 
proof vest is known as the best." Hurry off with that 
coat. It's ten minutes of five. 

Braggs {hurrying off with coat). I didn't imagine it was 
so late. Your watch must be fast. 

Cutter. No, sir. Slow, if anything. It's old, and the 
springs are dry. {Tries to put vest on Braggs, but 
finds it too small^half -aside.) Great Jupiter 1 I 
have the wrong one. 

Braggs. Eh? VVhat's the matter? 

Cutter {edging toward package). Nothing, nothing — ex- 
cept that you are too large. 

Braggs {anxiously). Do you mean that it won't fit me? 

Cutter. Not as it is. It will have to be changed first. 

{Still edges toward package, but sees that Braggs is 
watching.) 

Braggs. What shall we do ? Tell me ! Quick ! It 
must be almost the hour. 

Cutter. Well — I — I need a — a little string. 

Braggs. String? {Makes piovement toward package.) 
Here ! Use this. 

Cutter {reaching package first). Yes, of course. But 
this won't be enough. Suppose you get some. 

Braggs. I ? 

Cutter. Yes, while I let out a few reefs. {Carries pack- 
age to bench r. Sits down and takes out knife.) 
Hurry ! 

Braggs. I'll return at once. 

Cutter. Yes, if not sooner. The church clock will strike 
in a few minutes. 

80 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGQ8 



Braggs {aside). I won't fight now. It's too late. 
Cutter. Hurry ! Hurry ! {Pushes Braggs l.) 
Braggs. 1 — I'll return immediately. 

{Exit up L.) 

Cutter {as Braggs exits). Large bodies certainly do move 
slowly. {Rises and takes the proper vest from package.) 
That was a very stupid blunder of mine. It is fortunate 
Mr. Blight is late. I wouldn't wish them to meet until 
after they were properly dressed. But great punk ! I 
mustn't waste time. I can probably find that other 
mighty warrior before the Colonel returns. {Takes 
small vest from package and hides package behind the 
bench up R.) If the mountain won't come this way, 
Mohammed will have to 

Signifies that he is going to grab Blight. Exit up R.) 

{Enter Arthur /// l., disguised as Braggs.) 

Arthur. By Jove ! That was a narrow escape. I dodged 
back of that tree just in time. If the Colonel's daugh- 
ter hadn't stopped him, he would have seen me sure. 
{Looks out up L.) I wonder what they are arguing 
about. {Turns r.) Fortunately no one suspects as 
yet. If Dan will only earn that extra ten dollars by 
telling the Colonel the police have been informed re- 
garding the proposed fight, that will keep my double 
out of the way. {Sees parasol and shawl on bench.) 
Hello! Some one has a poor memory. Parasol, 
shawl {picking them up and in stooping sees package 
behind bench), and package. {Unwraps package.) 
What in the world—? Looks like a life belt. What's 
this? {Reads on back.) "Cutter's bullet-proof vest 
is known as the best." {Sits on parasol and shaivt 
on bench, completely hiding them with package, etc.) 
Why, I believe that old codger— or does this be- 
long to my friend, the editor ? No, I should say it was 
much too large. Anyway, it comes in handy. {Enter 
Tom and Lilian, l. Arthur sees them.) By JJngoJ 
Lilian {not seeing Arthur). I don't know where I could 
have left them. {Sees Arthur.) Oh ! 

Arthur. Are you looking for 

8i 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGGS 



Tom. Mind your own business, sir. (7<? Lilian.) Come, 

Lilian ; your things are not here. 

Lilian. But Tom 

Arthur. 1 think 

Tom. It makes no difference what you think. Come, 

Lilian. 

(^Exeunt Tom and Lilian, r.) 

Arthur. Oh, it doesn't. And to think my own confed- 
erate didn't recognize me. I'll soon begin to believe 
that I am running for County Judge and start in to buy 
votes. But since 1 am going to represent the Colonel 
in this fight, I had better use the precautions he pro- 
vided. {Takes off coat and puts on the vest.) A 
feather pillow doesn't make such a bad bay-window 
after all. 1 should have been an architect. It has al- 
ways been my ambition to be prominent, but I never 
imagined I would ever be the manager of such a large 
corporation. {Puts on coat.) 

{Enter Braggs and Kitty, ttp l.) 

Kitty. But papa 

Arthur. The deuce ! 
Kitty. Think of your honor ! 

(Arthur snatches up parasol and, opening it, shields 
his head.) 

Braggs. Yes, but think of my — my life; think of the 
judgeship ; think of my constituents ! I belong to my 
country. 

(Arthur snatches up shawl and holds it so as to hang 
around his legs and resemble a dress.) 

Kitty {seeing Arthur). Who's that? (Arthur walks 
quickly, taking girl's steps tozvard h. Braggs stands 
watching him. Exit Arthur j/p L., still hiding be- 
hind parasol. Kitty, who has ?iot watched him closely.) 
It's that horrid Blight girl. 

Braggs. I don't see why I should be expected to fight. 

Kitty. But you surely wouldn't run away? 

Braggs. Well, no — not exactly run. 

{Enter Tom, down r.) 
82 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGQS 



Tom. Miss Braggs, have you seen Miss Blight's shawl and 
parasol about here? (Kitty tiirns away and won't 
reply.) I beg pardon. 
Braggs. Miss Blight was here just now. She had the para- 
sol with her, 1 believe. 
Tom. You are mistaken, sir. Miss Blight left the things 
here— upon that bench, she thinks— and since you 

were sitting there, I thought 

Braggs. Sitting where? 
Tom. On the bench, of course. 
Braggs. I was uot sitting there. 
Tom. What 1 
Braggs. I have never sat there. 

Tom. Do you mean to tell me 

Kitty. He means to tell you just what he tells you. If you 

are so stupid 

Braggs. Do you doubt my word ? 

Tom. Oh, no; of course not. But if you were not sitting 

on that bench 

Braggs. I was not sitting on that bench. 

Tom. Phew ! and I don't suppose you saw Miss Blight and 

me pass, either ? 
Braggs. Of course I did. 

Tom. Well, I don't know what your game is, but you've 
got the most convenient memory known in history. 
{Sarcastically.) But of course Miss Blight had her 
shawl and parasol with her ? 
Braggs. Not then, I think. 
Tom. But you said she had. 
Braggs. When she passed alone. 
Tom. Alone? WlierewasI? 

Kitty. How does papa know ? He's not your nurse. 
Tom. I advise you to be his — he needs one. {To Braggs.) 

So you mean to tell me that you were not sitting on 

Braggs. Yes. 

Tom. You said "no" before. You didn't speak to me, 
nor I to you? You saw Miss Blight and me together, 
and yet she was alone ? She had her shawl and parasol 

with her, and yet Oh, this is too much. Well, 

I'll find her and ask her. 

{Exit, R., running.) 

Braggs. That young man is acting very peculiarly. 

83 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



Haven't I enough to worry me? (^Church clock 
strikes Jive.) The hour has arrived. 
Kitty. Good-bye, dear papa. Remember your honor. 
Farewell ! (^Kisses him, and begins to cry.) 

{Enter Dan, tip j .) 

Dan. Beg pardon, sir ; but Mr. Arthur asked me to tell 
you — (Kitty passes him sobbi?ig) — he asked me to — 
to [Begins to cry also.') 

Braggs {aside). What's to be done? That fellow has de- 
serted me. I have no means of protection. If some 
interruption should occur just before the duel ! I might 
write to the police. No — that won't do. I have it ! 
Dan! 

Dan. Yas, sah. 

Braggs {taking card and pencil from his pocket). One 
moment. ( Writes.) 

Dan. Yas, sah. Mr. Arthur wanted me to tell you 

Braggs. Don't interrupt. [Writes.) Give this card to 
Miss Martha. You understand ? 

Dan. Yas, sah. 

Braggs. At once, and I'll give you five dollars. 

Dan. Correct, sah. But Mr. Arthur 

Braggs. Quick ! [Aside ; goes r.) I'll try to find that 
vest man as a last hope. 

Dan. But Colonel 

Braggs. Hurry ! Don't lose a moment. 

{Exit up r.) 

Dan. He seems in a preposterous hurry. {Chuckles.) 

To-day certainly am a great financial jubilee for me. 

{Enter Arthur, l., carrying shawl and parasol. 

Dan turns to exit L., and sees Arthur, and is greatly 

surprised to see Braggs, as he thinks, on that side.) 

I'se goin', sah ; I'se goin'. 
Arthur. Have you done what I told you? 
Dan. I ain't had time, sah. It ain't been a minute. 
Arthur [aside). By Jove ! I keep forgetting that I am 

disguised. 
Dan. 1 was trying to tell you that Mr. Arthur wanted you 

to know de police was informed. 
Arthur. Eh ? Oh, yes. All right. 
Dan. Dat's all, sah. 

84 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGGS 



Arthur. Thanks. That's very nice. 

Dan. Don't forget I told you. 

Arthur. Oh, no. You are very kind. (^Exit Dan, up 

L.) Well, that's ten dollars wasted for the elevation 

of the colored race. 

( Goes to exit up r. Sees Braggs coming and hides quickly 
behind bench,) 

{E titer Braggs, tip r.) 

Braggs {looking about). Cutter! Cutter! I was sure I 
saw some one here. Cutter ! 

{Exit up L. Arthur crosses after him.) 

{Enter Tom and Lilian, r. Tom dashes across stage and 
snatches the shawl arid parasol from under Arthur's 
arm.) 

Tom. So you were trying to steal them, were you? 
(Arthur retreats before him, r.) And you thought 
to deceive me? You miserable, thieving 

Lilian. Hit him, Tom — hit him 1 

{Exit Arthur, up l., hurriedly.) 

Tom. I hope your father will blow his head off. If he 

doesn't, I will. 
Lilian. Oh, he will. Papa is an awful blower when he 

tries. 

{Exeunt Tom and Lilian, l.) 

{Enter Cutter and Blight, up r. Cutter has box con' 
taining tzvo revolvers, which he lays on ground, L.) 

Cutter {fastening patent vest). There you are. A per- 
fect fit. I might say that you are invested with protec- 
tion. Ha, ha, ha 1 What's the matter? 

Blight. Nothing. {Puts on coat.) 

Cutter. You're looking pale. 

Blight. I — I was just wondering what time it was. 

Cutter. Oh, it's after the hour. 

Blight {quickly). And he hasn't come. Let's go. 

Cutter. Oh, he was here a few minutes ago. No doubt 
he is prowling about somewhere. (Blight dodges as 

85 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGGS 



though Braggs would shoot from behind a tree.) 
Surely you are not afraid ? 

Blight. Of course not. — Are you? You don't think I 
am, do you ? (^Crosses L.) 

Cutter. My dear sir, I have no hesitancy in saying you 
are the bravest man that ever wore my bullet-proof vest. 
{Aside. ") I must find a chance to rig out the Colonel. 
{Looks for package.) Hello ! He must have got it 
and put it on ! 

Blight {taking revolvers from box). Is there any differ- 
ence in the length of these ? 

CuTT'E.K {looking for package). Eh? The length ? 

Blight. Yes. Which shoots the farthest and the biggest 
bullet ? 

Cutter. Oh, they're just alike. {Still looks. Blight 
aims pistol as though ufiaccustomed. Cutter finds 
paper without vest. Aside. ) Great Caesar ! Some 

one has I wonder if the Colonel returned and 

put it on. Yes, it must have been he {Comes 

into range of Blight's aim.) Hold on 1 

Blight. I was just practicing. 

Cutter. That's not the way to stand. Draw your legs 
together. More still. 

Blight. How can I keep still when I'm going to 

{Swallows hard.) 

Cutter. I mean more yet. Now stand erect. Face side- 
ways. 

Blight. I can't face sideways. 

Cutter. Yes, you can — this way. Draw your elbow close 
into your body. Your arm serves as a protection. 
Come, get ready. 

{Enter Braggs, hastily y l.) 

Braggs {to Cutter). Oh, here you are, at least. Where's 

the {Sees Blight, and pauses in dismay, then 

draws himself up swagger ingly.) I was about to ask 
if you had seen ray contemptible opponent. But I see 
he is here, after all. 

Blight. Sir! {Trembles.) 

Braggs {to Cutter, whispering agitatedly). The vest, 
man, the vest ! 

86 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGG8 



Cutter. Why, you have it on. You got it, didn't you? 

Braggs. No! Where is it? 

Cutter. 1 don't know. I left it by the bench. 

Bkaggs. Great Scott ! Some one has it. You don't think 

he (^pointing to Blight) has it on ? 
CuiUKR {s?niiing). Oh, no. i'ni sure of that. 
Braggs. Delay hiui a minute. 1 must try to find it. (^To 

Blight.) One moment, sir. 
Blight. Yes, one moment — or even two moments. 
Cutter. No, no — it's growing late. Take your places. 
Blight. I say, this is not a square dance. 

(^Handles the two revolvers as though trying to choose.^ 

Cutter. I took the liberty of bringing two revolvers. Colo- 
nel, since I imagined 

Braggs {to Cutter, aside). Look here. I must have 
that vest. {Looks about nervously.') 

Blight {handling revolvers gingerly). Which is mine? 

Cutter. Either. 

Blight. Er — haven't you something — er — bigger? 

Cutter {taking revolvers). No, no. Take your choice, 
sir. 

Braggs {aside). Suppose a bullet should hit me. Why, 
I'm committing suicide I 

Blight {aside, to Cutter, taking a revolver). Which is 
the best? (Cutter turns toward Braggs.) Hold 
on ! (Cutter turns back.) I don't like the trigger 
on this one. 

Braggs {aside). Martha hasn't come. {Edges up c.) 

Cutter. They are exactly alike. 

Braggs {aside). No one will interrupt. 

Blight {carrying other revolver over to r.). I like this 
one. 

Braggs {aside). He'll shoot me as he would a dog. I 
must find that vest. 

{Exit, up l., hurriedly.) 

{Enter Arthur, down L.) 

Cutter {giving revolver to Arthur). There you are, sir. 
{Paces off distance.) This is your spot. {Paces 
again.) Vou stand here. Now, gentlemen, we're all 
ready. Don't be nervous. It's a beautiful way to die, 
really. Now when I give the word — fire 

87 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGG8 



Blight. Hold on. I'm not ready. 

(^He stands down R., Arthur down l.) 

Cutter. Neither was I. 

Blight. Then what did you say fire for ? 

Cutter. I wasn't giving the word. I'll count three. 

Are you ready ? One moment. 
Blight. Oh, I say. 
Cutter {aside, to Blight). Aim for the body, sir. Now, 

ready. All ready ? One — one moment. 
Blight. My nerves won't stand this sort of thing, you 

know. 
Cutter {aside, to Arthur). Hit him in the chest, sir. 
Arthur {aside). 1 don't want to kill him. I'll shoot in 

the air. 
Cutter. Once more. Are you ready ? 
Blight. No — no. I can't cock this trigger. 
Cutter. It is cocked. 
Blight. Eh ? Why, so it is. But are you sure I can pull 

it? 
Cutter. I'm sure I could. Now. One — two — fire ! 

(Arthur fires into the air. Blight Jumps around.) 

Blight. I say — no fair. I saw you whisper to him. I 

saw you. 
Cutter. Why didn't you shoot? 
Blight. You said you would count three. 
Cutter. My — my, but you are hard to please. Now this 

time — (Blight aims) when I say one — two — fire 

(Blight fires.) 

Blight. No you don't ; I wasn't going to be fooled a sec- 
ond time. 

Arthur {aside). By Jove ! I'm hit. The vest saved me 
that time, sure. 

Cutter. Now, gentlemen, you have each had a free shot. 
Suppose we follow the code. Three shots at the word. 
Get ready. One — two — fire ! (Blight fires three 
times at Arthur, who again fires into the air.) Stop ! 
Stop ! {To Arthur.) Are you hurt, sir ? 

Arthur. I don't know. {Holds hand out of sight.) 

88 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAGGS 



Cutter (fa Blight). How dare you ! Why, it's a gross 

breach of the code. 
Blight. You said to fire three times. 
Cutter. Not in succession. (Tt; Arthur.) Sure you're 

not hurt, sir ? 

Arthur. I think my hand 

Cutter. Why, yes, it's bleeding, sir. Too bad. 

(Enter Martha, up L., hurriedly y followed by Kitty.) 

Martha. Oh, Colonel, how could you? {Throws her 
arms around Arthur's neck.') Are you hurt? Has 
he killed you ? Speak ! (Accidentally pulls off whis- 
kers.) Oh ! {To Blight.) See what you have done? 

Cutter. Why, what's this mean? (Enter Braggs, l. 
Martha turns toward Arthur again, sees Braggs, 
and utters a scream. Cutter snatches off Arthur's 
wig.) Ah ! I understand. So this is the use my 
old man's make-up was to be put to. 

Kitty. No, no — don't you see? — It was at the ball. I 
suspected it all the time. He disguised himself as poor 
papa. 

Braggs. Disguised? What's this ? What's this? 

(Enter Tom and Lilian, l.) 

Tom. What's the matter ? 

Kitty. Oh, you thought you were very clever, didn't 

you ? You and your old paper — writing such stories. 
Blight. Do you mean to say I haven't been fighting the 

Colonel, after all ? 
Arthur. Let me explain. I will acknowledge that I dis- 
guised myself as the Colonel. 
Braggs. You? But why? 

Tom. Because I asked him to — since the cat must out. 
Lilian. Oh, Tom ! 
Arthur. And I was so ashamed of myself afterward, that 

I determined to repeat the disguise and fight in his 

place. 
Blight (to Tom). And you mean to say that your 

article 

Tom. Was simply a fake, sir, because I wanted a raise, 

sir; because I loved your daughter, sir. 
Blight. Loved my Why, it's infamous. But I'll 

make you suffer. 

89 



WHAT HAPPENED TO BBAGGS 



Braggs. And I'll make you suffer, sir. 

Cutter. Oh, no — let me be peacemaker. Colonel, a 
word in your ear. {^Leads Braggs aside.') It's the 
chance of your life. A bigger <*ad" than havmg a 
box full of diamonds stolen. Forgive them. 

Braggs. What ! 

Cutter. Upon the condition that they publish a contra- 
diction and apology. Think of the revulsion of feeling 
in your favor. 

Braggs. That's true. I'll do it. Friends, I forgive you. 

All. Oh ! 

{The fnen, except Blight, gather about him and he shakes 
hands.) 

{Enter Mrs. B., r.) 

Mrs. B. (to Blight). Did you kill him ? 

Blight. No. 

Mrs. B. Wound him? 

Blight. No. 

Mrs. B. Why not ? 

Arthur. Because he is going to be elected judge, and I 
need him for a father-in-law ! 

{Goes to Kitty, who turns her back on him — then relents 
and gives him her hand.) 



CURTAIN 



90 




Practical Elocution 

By J. W. Shoemaker, A. 3VU 
3cx> pages 
Cloth, Leather Back, $1.25 
This work is the outgrowth of 
actual class-room experience, and 
is a practical, common-sense treat- 
ment of the whole subject. It is 
clear and concise, yet comprehen- 
sive, and is absolutely free from 
the entangling technicalities that are so frequently 
found in books of this class. 

Conversation, which is the basis of all true Elocu- 
tion, is regarded as embracing all the germs of 
speech and action. Prominent attention is therefore 
given to the cultivation of this the most common 
form of human expression. 

General principles and practical processes are pre- 
sented for the cultivation of strength, purity, and 
flexibility of Voice, for the improvement of distinct- 
ness and correctness in Articulation, and for the 
development of Soul power in delivery. 

The work includes a systematic treatment of Ges- 
ture in its several departments of position, facial 
expression, and bodily movement, a brief system of 
Gymnastics bearing upon vocal development and 
grace of movement, and also a chapter on Methods 

ent, prepaid, upon re- 

One copy del. to Cat. Div. j^^ Company 

street, Philadelphia 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

■HI 

Do you want to be an ^_®-.®2i 929 8 05 5 % 

Do you want to be a Teacher ^K 
of Elocution ^P 

Do you want to be a Public 
Readef 

Do you want to improve your 
conversation 

Do you want training in Physi- 
cal Culture 

Do you w^ant to increase your 
power in any direction 



A CATALOGUE GIVING FULL INFORMA- 
MATION AS TO HOW ANY OF THESE AC- 
COMPLISHMENTS MAY BE ATTAINED 
WILL BE SENT FREE ON REQUEST 



The National School of 
Elocution and Oratory 

Temple Building Philadelphia 




